more than fine

as you may recall i wrote a couple blogs ago about saying i am ok... about whether that be truth or not... it is a default for many people.. how are you... i am ok. how are you... im fine. this is an all to common start of conversation. i am guilty of it most of the time... depending on the level of relationship... the more real i get.

well what happens when you talk to those deeper relationship people... i have a few of these... i am one of few really close friends... and i enjoy their company immensely. it is them that true answers come out... it is them that i can be open with... how are you... eh.. how are you... been better... how are you... (a long drawn out rant of things that have gone wrong that day and how you are completely torn up inside..) these are answers... they spark conversations... become the essence of the conversation as a whole. we dont talk about the weather... we dont talk about the game on the tv... (well we do... but not the main part of the conversation)... we dont small talk... we just go.. my hesitancies in the conversation are not due to my fear in what they will think... but my fear that what will come out of my mouth is true... talking to these people... these are the relationships on earth that we live for... not the temporal game playing happy fun seeking ones... yes those are good... but to have more is so much better...

so... as i say this... let me get back to the title of this post... more than fine... i often start singing this or this is your life... are you who you wanna be... as i walk out of the office everyday... these things.. are on my mind a lot... i strive to be more than fine... whatever that takes... more than fine... one day... i would love to be completely honest... and seeing the Lord's healing in my life... to answer my friends with a good. how are you doing? i am good. i am great.. i am at peace. dont we all long for that... to be more than fine... more than just getting by... walking through the motions of life... we all have times in our lives that we just become numb... or at least i think we all do... i know i do... but we become numb and just go from one thing to the next... no thinking or feeling involved... just do what we do... that isnt right... im still in the process of figuring these things out... but.. i know that we are meant to feel... we are meant to more than just do... we are meant to be. and we are meant to BE more than just fine.

whether we are in control of that being... whether we have control over the state of ourselves... that is the question... are we fine because we choose to be... or are we fine because we are being pressed upon and formed and torn down... can one be fine... when they are not really whole?

apart from fear

recently... i have been recognizing reasons behind what i do... and who i have become... there are things... especially lately that have required me to decide things... for those of you that know me well... you know that i am not a good decision maker... it is very hard for me to make up my mind on even the smallest thing... sometimes i think it is good to be careful when making a decision... others... like the majority of the time... i just tend to overanalyze. what i have been noticing is the reason i tend to overanalyze... i am a very fearful person... what is there to fear right? well... there could be plenty to fear... the fear of making the wrong decision is something that often comes up in my mind... to choose one means you could be choosing the wrong one... one would think... well. that could be a noble fear... well not when trying to simply decide which kind of popcorn to pop for a party... cheesy or buttery... its crippling. how can someone walk forward when all they think about is what if they walk the wrong way..

more recently however.. i have been afraid of concequences... this is more specific than just the wrong decision. i am not just saying bad concequences... i think in our eyes... the eyes of man... either choice can bring both bad and good concequences.. i weigh these things like crazy when it comes to making a decision. well if i do this.. then this... if i dont... then this... this could make me happy... but it could also cause some long term damage... well... again... is that all that bad... think through things... we were given a mind... well... i have been thinking lately... yes... funny... because i am about to go against thinking... kind of a paradox. yes we are given a mind... but i dont think it was given for us to overanalyze. if it were... then.. how would we ever allow the Lord to guide... analyzing is done through our own minds... through our own eyes... what good is seeing through our own eyes when our master is guiding us already with his all seeing perfect eye.

now... again... i say these things... and i mean them... but.. i am a long way away from making them 100% in my life... practicum is different than head/word knowledge. i am trying not to allow fear to control... but i am afraid that sometimes... after thinking on something so long... that your mind gets clouded... it becomes hard to see what you wish to see... i want to keep man's guidance... and my own thoughts and fears out of a decision. that just leads to confusion.

its interesting though... if i take fear out of the decision... the path to a certain direction becomes fairly clear... or is that just me thinking that? how can we be sure to be lead... apart from fear?

questions

am i unfit for You
remember me, the one who turned from You
i come in rags tattered by the Fall
and all the earth, a witness to my crime

Mercy, weep over me
let Your tears wash me clean
Majesty, be merciful with me
for my eyes have seen Holy

hear my prayer at night
let the morning find me alive
for i am tired and weakened by the Fall
let all the eart bear witness to my cry

Mercy, weep over me
let Your tears wash me clean
Majesty, be merciful with me
for my eyes have seen Holy

let the Amen sound from Heaven as You lift my soul
Let the Amen sound from Heaven as You lift my soul
let the angels sound from Heaven, Holy is the Lord

Mercy, weep over me
let Your tears wash me clean
Majesty, be merciful with me
for my eyes have seen Holy


this is a song written by Bebo Norman called My Eyes Have Seen Holy. it consistently comes into my head these days. i long and make this my prayer. its hard to see yourself and know you are inherently unclean. to know that nothing you can do will ever clean you. i may be damaged... but i am learning that doesnt matter. his merciful tears can and will wash me clean. and he will lift my soul. i dont think i need to say anything else.

desires

so... i am sitting here and just want to write.. you know that feeling you get when all you want to do is say and put forth something that means something.. well... the thing is... i really dont know what it is that i want to say... so this very much might not be what i want to accomplish at all.

communication is a very interesting thing to say the least. it is something someone accomplishes without ever trying and something that can tear things to pieces if not careful. it is done through the spoken word... through the written, much like i am doing right now... through a look... through a smile... through actions... through many things...

i think something that interests me the most... is what is communicated when someone says something... now i know that sounds dumb and self-explanatory... but people often say one thing and mean something completely different... really if you put in all the factors... what one says is rarely the whole truth.. one that i am often guilty of is the infamous ok... which i mean in partialness is true...compared to the state of some people in the world... or even some day that i have had in the past...or inevitably will have... i am ok... but there is so much more than that to that answer

my friends... the ones that know me best... know when that ok is a real genuine ok to me... or if it is more of a general ok... they can read and hear more than just the words that i speak. its amazing... communication and its several levels.. they know i long to be ok... and they know even to a degree why on that day i am not... i have found... it is these types of relationships that are the good ones... when communication exists in this whole other form... when not only the words spoken... but the way in which it is spoken... the expression on my face... and every other thing i cant even think to name... plays together to speak a truth i never thought i would be able to tell them...

something else intrigues me about this topic... is there anything that is devoid of truth.. my lie that i am ok... seems innocent enough... and easy enough to judge as a lie... but can we really say i do not convey some truth in that... i am ok compared to something else... that is one way... and another is when it is in conjunction with something else.. my state... how i am "feeling" if you will... is still conveyed.. and i wonder.. if i really said how i felt... and not just ok... would that communicate as much as my "ok" would with everything else involve... because then it would be more of a word standing by itself.. not so powerful...

due to things i have experienced in my life... i have begun to not trust words alone... i know... who am i to talk right.. but more needs to be there to make those words truth. too many things are assumed these days... and meanings are applied to words out of mear selfish desires... what would happen if we stopped listening to verbal communication and only saw the world around us.. would be interesting wouldnt it... new truths would come out... and old ones would be seen as false.. or would it simply become like our spoken word today? i dont know... but it makes me think.

sitting

so... i have begun my internship and am a few weeks in now. it is very interesting to see how little time i actually have a boss in the office. he spent all last week off somewhere... yesterday he left without telling me that he wasnt going to be here... and then he got back late today. he spent very little time in the office, and now he is heading out again. i dont really know what to do with most of my time... sleeping would be an option... but i dont really know if that is ethical... what do you think? naw.. not ethical. so i sit here... read his emails... work on a database... and talk to people online... it is the talking to people online that keeps me sane. i dont know... as introverted as i am... i still need people around me... i am the only one in this office... and as nice as that can be at times... i get bored... and i get lonely... hmm... i guess that is just how life is right? i guess it gives me as much time as i want with my thoughts... yay! but yeah... so... now i am really tired and have the opportunity to go home... so... i think i am gonna take it... nap here i come!

home

hey everyone... i am home now. i am back in texas after what seemed like a very very long month. i am glad to be back. i am tired and feeling sick. i got sick toward the end of the trip and am still recovering. i still have a pretty bad cough and am pretty out of it all together. but yeah..

so... i found a business internship. that is great for me. i still dont know much about it... but i will know more soon enough i am sure. i start monday and i expect to learn a lot. but ok... i really dont have much to say... i hope to find some rest this summer. i very much need it... i know that... so we will see. till later...

Another Post

so... i have no idea what i am going to say in this thing... but... i have a couple of minutes so... i thought i would at least say something... things are ok. it still really hasnt rained here in ireland... which is very surprising... things are going fine... i am in the last day of the choir portion of the trip. then we move on out to dundrum so that we can do our mission trip in killyleigh... i am not really sure what the next two weeks will look like... things really havent been too planned out or communicated at least... so... really i do not know what the next day will bring. other than that... and getting into things too personal for a blog or really anything for that matter... that is all that is going on... until next time... i big you ado.