The Heart of a Sinful Christian

So... I have a little bit of time to spare. I thought what could I do with this time? Well of course.. write on my obscure blog that no one in their right minds would read. Excellent use of my time. If you happen to be one of those people who are not in their right minds... nothing personal. I just do not believe I am really anyone with anything to say worth reading.

 For instance... today when I sat down to write this article I had no real topic in mind. I guess my mind has really been quite full this week and for once I am getting to rest, mentally and physically. This week could very well go down in history for many reasons.. some of which I do not know... some of which have national and personal significance. I am no where near what one would call a political activist. In fact, I am somewhat of a bystander that just hopes for the best. However, this week I could not help but get emotionally interested in the cases before the Supreme Court. I do not doubt that most people in the nation became, to some degree, interested in one way or another. Some are eagerly trying to protect the traditions established through the church, others are hopingly reaching for the opportunity to be seen as equal in the eyes of the state. In the great scheme of things, I really can't help but think are these things really all that in opposition to each other.

 Church and state are, in this country, separate. This is something designed to protect both the church and the government/people. Problems arise when people seek to put the two back together when it is of benefit to them. The government is not in charge of the church, nor is the church in charge of the government. If the government allows gay marriage that is not mandating that the church recognize them, just that the state does.

It confuses me why this topic arouses such heated arguments. I am not saying that the Christian view should not be advocated, yet I am saying there is no place for the tactics used. Many arguments I have heard from the Christian standpoint are ones that convey "we have to stand strong because we are going to lose something." What I ask is this.. what do Christians.. or Christians and others against gay marriage.. have to lose if this right is granted to gays? I completely see what gays have to gain, but what is it that anyone has to lose?

I am not writing this to advocate one way or another. I do not find that is my job. I have my predictions, but that is all. I honestly feel somewhat in the middle of this argument. I have desires for my life that will be greatly affected by the decisions likely to be handed down in June. At the same time, I have fairly strong religious beliefs.. It is something that is not easily balanced.. something full of questions that I do not know the answers to. But hey.. that is something for me to work through.

The point of this post (now that I actually have a train of thought) is to communicate how powerful words are. They should be used carefully. However, both in this national realm as well as my personal realm, people have not so carefully spoken. Facebook causes people to speak more boldly... and quite frankly stupidly. It is not what you believe, nor is it the communication of those beliefs that are bad. We all have beliefs. We all have things that affect us.. that we are passionate about. It is just the way people say things. It causes a lot of people pain. This is on both sides of the argument. But, people do not understand words not spoken wisely cause pain. I can convey to someone a concept which is personal to them in a way that causes deep pain or in a way that may be uncomfortable but foster communication. Which is better? I know I would rather the latter. Too many people are backing others in a corner over this topic. This causes other to lash out and all hope of real conversation is greatly diminished.

People also must realize that not everyone has the same ability to speak into another's life. Relationships foster tough conversations. They make them possible. A complete stranger.. or even someone you have known a long time yet have not had real conversation with for a long time... causes damage when trying to communicate their concerns for another's life. My sin and sins of others are not things that can really be addressed by people I do not know or more so those I do not feel know me. Those who know me or attempt to know me, show more than just an agenda. They show that it is about more than something they disagree with... they show that it is about me as a person.

With this I want to say. I am open. I want to talk. I want to hear what you have to say. But please realize I am human, just as I realize you are. We all have our crap. I am not going to pretend to have it all figured out, but I just wish others came in to a conversation with similar humility. Convictions are one thing, but please understand none of us have everything right.

clerkships

so.... i am writing again. i haven't really written in a long LONG time. i suppose school gets too busy, and i really never figured i had anything worth writing about. to be honest, i still do not have anything worth writing about. so... generic blog post coming up! whoever happens to read.... be forewarned! as anyone who would take the few minutes needed to read this blog knows, i have been in law school for the past two years. the time has finally approached for applying for judicial clerkships. this is something i have been looking forward to for at least the past year probably 2. the closer it gets and the more i think about it... the more excited i get about the opportunity. the prospect of ending up anywhere in the united states is such an awesome idea. a year or two with the prospect of choosing to stay there forever is an adventure i can't wait to dive into. with that said, i have one thing standing in my way. my nemesis if you will... the dreaded cover letter. people who know me know i am not the best at selling myself. yes, i may have plenty to offer (or so i have been told), but there is something about telling others they should hire me (or at least interview me) because i am good at such and such and blah blah blah. it seems so artificial. it is hard to say anything that will clearly make me stand out. i wish i could just put myself in the envelop and say here... i am this person. now you dont have to guess based on some very generic, 5000 other people put this, words. and you know what... RANT TIME!!... it is probably the people who are best at writing these cover letters that you dont want to work with... just saying... i mean that probably reflects on the personality a little. just saying... rant over. :) but job this week. finish cover letter. apply for wicked awesome clerkships. and PRAY.

unknown

i sit
i stare
i laugh
i cry

what happens next
i dont know
what happens now
i dont know
what happened then...
i still dont know

i run forward
full force but timid
timid of where my foot lands
timid of where my foot is

timidity is wrong though
so i run hard
it wont stop me
yet i still long to know
to know why

go left
walk right
bow down
stand up

i must do
but i mustn't question
i must meditate
but i mustn't think

easy said
hard to do

do
don't try
leave
don't stay
win
don't lose

already won
but still must run
race still going

tired
but rested
unknown
but peaceful
scarred
but healed

all that matters is known
yet
minds chase

understanding wanted
understanding of why
whys aren't for me

running is for me
tiredness
each step
becomes rest
peace

all other things
i must leave
unknown

lonesome town

im finding myself getting really lonely lately. i miss friends. i miss what had become my home. four years in one place and now i am gone. yes... now i am back in a place that i have spent much more than 4 years... ive lived in texas for the past 22 years... or at least this has been my permanent location. school however became my home. this past year i had my own place. i had neighbors. it was home. now i am sitting in a bed that doesnt belong to me... that i am very grateful to be given... but still feel lacking. i love my friends here. but im sad to say... there is no one my age that i hang out with here anymore. my brother and his wife are the closest, but they are family... not exactly the same.

i do like being back... and i know it is a good place for me... but i am missing the human interaction. i try to keep myself busy.. but the time still passes slowly. i guess what it comes down to is... i miss my friends. i miss them all. i even miss my bosses. and the thought that those people arent coming back ever.. except for periodic visits... really really saddens me. i know they will forever be a part of my life... in one way or another. everyone i have come in contact with has in part made me who i am today. God will continuously shape me with the situations, things, and people around me.

there are seasons in our lives... and my time in undergrad is over. i find myself thinking about the next stage.. still unsure of things but trying to step out the directions i believe God is placing my passions. my face has hit by several slamming doors... and i have no doubt that will continue to happen. but eventually i will step the way God desires... and i am sure i will flinch... but amazingly... it wont hit. i will continue walking as far as His little lamp lets me see. but until that point... i have a feeling... i am lonely for a reason. i am being taught something i am sure. what... still not sure. but i am learning that well... we cant always know.

a humble confession.

so... at this stage in my life... i find a complete paradox taking place. everything seems to be happening all at once... yet... i am in the most stagnant state i think i have ever experienced. i am desperately trying to find my place. who am i? where am i supposed to be? what is my next step? all of these questions are being done while i am placed completely still in the middle of my own life.

i know this state is soon to come to an end... and to be honest... i am completely thrilled about that. i cant wait for what is to come. i am excited about the things i may face along the way. the hard stuff i think even more than the easy. the hard stuff is what has made me who i am. hard builds character. easy just brings momentary satisfaction... if even that. i look forward to being tested and molded. i must admit... i do not yet see who i am to be after God has finished... or even when He is well on His way with His work in me. but there is one thing i can say. i cant wait to meet her. i cant wait to see the person i become. i cant wait to see how much i will reflect His glory. i know it is a long way off. i see that every step of the way. with every struggle i encounter.. every sin i commit... i see just another part of me that is nothing like Him.

yet... there are times that i see myself get so excited about something that seems so simple... something i know is completely out of my flesh. those times... i nearly cry with joy as i see myself reflecting what i never thought i would see in this life time. i am but a humble sinner. there are parts of me... well most of me... that i hate. sin overwhelms me at times. even the smallest sin contaminates the whole. but then i remember... even the smallest speck of light... lights up my entire being. i am a sinner... yet i am redeemed. i dont have to really concentrate on the sin like the ancient israelites. no... i must concentrate on that small speck of light. with that.... the glory of God will become so bright with His glory that i will have to veil my face just as moses.

Dear Father,

help me to keep my focus. my flesh is still a part of me, but i know You can remove even that from my being. Lord, i am Yours. i desire to do that which my Master wishes me to do. yet there are times that i do not do what i want to do and do do what i do not want to do. You love me anyway though. You have redeemed me. You have rescued me. to You i owe you my life. focus my mind completely on You. help me to realize what it truly means to be Yours.

in Your holy Son's name,

Amen.


I am but a sinner. and that is not ok. but something i realize. life goes on. our sins are just that. sin. if we focus on them. they take us over. if we focus on something greater. the sin is no longer controlling. if our minds belong to the Father... then even the smallest thought outside His desires is sin... we are all fallen... but He still loves us... and wants the best for us... aint it great?

i dont know about you... but that love... makes it so much easier to fix my mind on Him. just cant allow yourself.. myself... to forget that love.

a choir united?

so.. i have been doing a lot of thinking about the cathedral choir. we just got off of tour. and every night before we our concert, we would have devotionals. last year i thought these were a little weak, but at least decent. this is a time that helps us as a group focus on why we are there. it is not about the music. it is not about a specific section being perfect or about the people in the "audience." we are united to worship God and lead people in worship of Him.

now when i ask people throughout the choir, they will give that as their answer. they know why we are united. they know what our purpose is. but the problem is... the devos... especially this year.. were rarely about God. they never focused my mind on Him. instead i found people focusing on the choir. talking about how great the choir was... or how much it has meant to them. devos just yesterday before our concert, were all about how much tour meant to us. and how we are eternally thankful for our director, our choir president, and our choir. something just doesnt seem right.

at the end of songs, mr smith generally greets applause with recognizing the choir and then pointing up toward the ceiling... this is him telling the applause need not be for us... but to our God. He is who we are there to honor.

i guess i just wonder... why the one time when our choir is united to focus our minds on God... do we do everything but? are we really united? and if we are.. are we united for the right thing?

ethics

so... i have this new profs in one of my classes... he isnt new... like he has been teaching at the school for a while... but he is new to the class. we used to have this great teacher, but due to the fallen nature of man... he got sick and had to step down from the class for at least the remainder of this semester... so we got stuck with a new prof. this guy is the same one who taught my business law class. so... now we have a law prof teaching an ethics class. am i the only one that sees potential for not great things?

dont get me wrong... we do live in a fallen world, therefore we can justify rightly the need for law. however, ethics is above law. law needs to be upheld within ethics, but i like to think of law being the minimum requirement. now... what do you do when the law is not governing a certain aspect? who knows? this is a place where ethics comes into play.

well... after a few week with this prof... i am seeing some very bad things come of the class. we learned under the previous prof that when you see something not going well... you shouldnt just bail out... but instead try to step up and change things... make them more ethical. well when in the first day of classes under this new prof... in an ethic class no less... i hear cheating on homework i dont consider unethical.. because it is so small... i start second guessing things. red flags started flying up everywhere. especially since just the week before that we were learning that no matter how small it may seem.. we have to hold our ethical stance... because a small hole can become very large over time. well if you did this... this is ok... and then this is ok... then this... then this... etc. soon.. you are claiming something falsely on an income statement... and you are $1 million dollars richer.

doesnt seem like that bad for such a great reward... cost-benefit tells me it is worth it. i mean what are you risking... a few years in jail... restitutions after settlements of like $500,000? shoot... one lie and a couple years just got me a decent paycheck. these are the kind of things i see the class slipping to. and to be honest myself at times. i hate it. i learned last class that if you can state it in a way that is beneficial... then even the worst thing can be ok. justification makes something ok... now that doesnt seem right. but when i speak up about it... what do i get? i get well sarah... make the best out of it... or this is what i am trying to do?

well i am sorry... you may be trying to do the best thing in the world... but if you arent... and you are raising up a group of unethical leaders... something needs to change. but i keep getting told to back down... or tough it out. doesnt seem right to me. i want out of the class at this point. but they wont let me. so... to avoid causing more problems or disrupting everyone elses "learning".. i have concluded that numbing my mind and sitting there quiet is the best solution to the problem. everytime i bring up anything... anger just builds... i shouldnt be angry... i know.. that is not a fruit of the spirit.. but one of the flesh... if i just sit the anger is gone... but when i try to handle any situation that arises in the class... like a poorly graded assignment.. or anything like that... then i just start to get angry... and attempt to walk away...

i honestly just hate to see this class going so poorly. i loved being challenged by the other professor. now i am just blindly memorizing what i need for the test. another class that is a waste of money. goodbye favorite class of the semester... and hello waste of money.

health

so... i havent been feeling well.. that is no real big news to some. i feel like everytime i turn around i need to go back into the doctor... we are still trying to figure out what is exactly wrong with me. they think it is this thing called diabetes insipidus.. no that is not regular diabetes.. it has nothing to do with my blood sugar or insulin levels.. it has to do with your pituitary gland or your kidneys. depending on what type you have... well... like i said... i may or i may not have this. i have had to do a lot of medical tests... blood and the like... they are fairly sure now that they will do this thing called a water deprivation test... not too excited about that at all. it is the crappiest test on the face of the planet. i drink a lot of water a day. generally i am always carrying my nalgene with me. if i get to sit for a second and just drink... that nalgene will be downed very quickly... and i will have to go fill it again. this test just takes the water away from you... NOT FUN. i am playing the waiting game now.... when the doctor calls.. then we go from there... if not.. then yay!

i really dont like waiting... it seems i am being asked to do a lot of it lately.. normally i dont have a problem with it... like one thing here or there... i can wait... i am generally a patient person... but when everything around you is saying wait... and they are all generally large things.. it gets rather annoying and nerve wracking... i understand i should be trusting God. and i am trying... it is just hard sometimes. i guess that is why they call it trust... and faith... if it wasnt so hard... then it wouldnt be the same at all.

beautiful destruction

so... for those of you who dont know... i am living in the middle of a disaster zone. earlier this week a sheet of ice planted itself all over the city. tuesday i went out to the car and there was about an inch separating me from my windshield. there was also icicles making it very very hard to get into the car. i had to break this wall of ice just to get in and turn on the defroster... like that was actually gonna help. well... after about 40 minutes... i got it uncovered enough that i felt it ok to drive... well... that was the least awful day of the week...

tuesday afternoon i sat and watched trees topple over as i was taking the new slate of ice off of my car. i feared as i drove and heard small twigs hit my car. when i got home... i walked inside and there i sat for the next 2 days. JBU for the first time in history cancelled classes on wednesday. we were encouraged to stay inside. power was lost all throughout the state. the place was really a disaster...

but this morning as i went outside... because jbu can never cancel 2 days of class... that would be crazy... i go out to my car... get into it after a couple of knocks to remove some ice... and try to start it up... its dead... oh joy... well... i had to get up to school for a voice lesson... so i take off walking.

as i walked i saw amazing things. things were destroyed. trees fallen on powerlines. people unable to leave their house because of powerlines draped across their driveway. but you look up and see the light shining through the ice. it was beautiful. throughout the destruction... there was still beauty.



it is kind of like fire... a forest fire kills off so much... but it leaves the land so fertile and ready for life. it is a beautiful thing. God may have times that things dont always look the greatest... outlook on our end may seem bleak... but it always leads to something more beautiful than we could have ever planned...

What was the dream?

so... we had a speaker come into chapel... of course he was black. it seems funny to me... i think back to all that i have learned every year on this day about martin luther king jr. what did he teach... he didnt teach equality of the races at all... he taught that race wouldnt matter. it would be the content of the character that mattered. and that is basically what the guy said. he made a lot of comments about how he gets asked to speak on MLK day because he is a black preacher and all that. but how he always changes his topic to something more universal.

well.. something i thought was funny that happened yesterday that is very relavent to what the guy talked about tonight was something i saw on tv yesterday. i was watching lean on me on BET. a commercial came on that was for obama... it wasnt all that surprising that i saw it... but then it was talking about inaguration and had this figure that looked a lot like MLK out in the crowd. the guy was watching obama swearing into office. and then at the end it said a dream come true... or a dream realized or something like that. i almost turned off the tv... now i am not a racist... yeah... i have some strong feelings sometimes... but not about the people but some of the crap that has come out of reconciliation. i dont agree with affirmative action or anything that says one person should be held above another just because people of their "kind" had it rough in the past. well i got to thinking during chapel today as to why that made me not very happy seeing that on the tv. and now i know.

that was not the dream at all. the dream was that one race wouldnt be held over another... but it seems that there is something special about a black person being elected president. you know i will give you that yes. it is historic. but it is nothing that should be really treated like a dream has been realized... saying that in itself tells me that it has not been realized. on the contrary we are still very far from it. we are still looking at the color of the skin. we have just switched it around. we have a race picking a president just because he is black.

im sorry mr. martin luther king... your dream is just as far from being realized as ever.

longing for what i run from

those that know me best know that i am always busy. i often complain about the sheer quantity of things that i have to do... but... i strategically make my life out to be busy... why do i do this? why do i think that i have the right to complain about anything...

throughout my busyness.. i always find myself longing for some relaxation... but i am so unwilling to do anything that will get me that..

time is something that is i long for... but run from as fast as i can... time means thoughts... time means struggles... time means sin.... well it shouldnt always mean that... but it seems to at this stage in life... i know i should be giving myself more time... that way i can learn how to handle it.. but sometimes i just dont think i am able to...

do you ever find yourself running from things that are healthy for one reason or another.... generally because of fear... i know i do... this is only one example. i am now out of school for about a month... i have nothing to preoccupy my mind... i am just here. gotta think... gotta process... gotta deal...

An Aroma Pleasing to Who?

i was just thinking about my last post... if you havent read it, you might want to just to know where i am coming from with this.

i was just thinking about the things that happened that night... and how it was not necessarily something far out in left field. it was something that was just an extreme of something that exists out in the world so often today. this just gets me thinking... who does our worship exist for. i understand there needs to be this balance. it needs to be good enough that it doesnt hinder worship of others, but i mean how much of that is just catering to our society. we are perfectionists who demand it of everything... including our worship. but its funny worship is not for us. it is something that i think should actually leave us in awe of how insignificant we are apart from God. It is God living in us that makes us anything. so why does our worship have to sound so pleasing to us?

something specific that i was thinking about today was the concept of the sacrificial worship of the old testament. the burnt offering was made as an aroma pleasing to the lord. can you imagine the burning of an animal carcus... that would smell something horrible to us... it hasnt been seasoned or anything like that... and this is burning flesh and hair. not something you would find pleasure in. God looks for something different than we as man do. He sees this offering as beautiful... but to the man giving it... that was the loss of His best calf or whatever the animal happened to be. does that make sense? man... isnt that mind blowing? we need to take selfish selves out of the picture. when we think of worship we should be thinking of pleasing the Lord first and foremost. our lives of worship... pleasing the Lord first and foremost. but NO!!! we dont. what is wrong with us. we say one thing... but when we build something like a worship service... what do we do... we spend the majority of our time concentrating on something like the arrangement or musical excellence. something seems backwards. maybe we should take it back. God doesnt see excellence the same way we do. why dont we ask what he wants and aim to hit that? seems logical right?

what is worship?

so... i just got back from a final senior worship presentation of a couple of my peers. at first, i must say... the music was great. they excelled greatly when it came to the sound of the different songs. this is something they have always been good at... but yet... i was left incredibly disappointed.

i have talked with several others who attended tonight as well... they all seem to also recognize something was missing. when i ask what they think... being music majors, they most say it sounded great musically. yet... something was lacking. it lasted an hour and a half.. and throughout this time... i cant really say i "entered into" worship. there was a spiritual aspect missing. i liken the whole experience to a christian concert. but... what makes it different. i mean... the songs were about God. there seems to be some around me that were worshipping... i looked around often curious of how people were taking to it.

i realize part of me not worshipping tonight is my fault... i need to walk myself always in worship. but gathered together for corporate worship is different than walking in a life of sacrifice for our Father. we must be led as one in worship. but for that... there needs to be more than just religious songs offered up with empty words. each word that was sung... was said... was acted out... i hate to say... was just that alone... there was nothing to it. at one point i stopped singing.. and just sat... i wanted to think about what was happening...

and as i think back... it wasnt worship... at least not of God. it was worship of what man can do. at the beginning there was a professor that spoke and introduced the evening. all this time... he spoke of all the two guys had done. and what they will do... he also talked about how we all are there because we love these two guys and want to see them do well... then... at the end... we got a thank you. it was a thank you not for being a part of a night of worship... but for coming out to support them... that is not what worship should ever be about... these guys became the center of a night of "worship"... this context led to the empty words...

with all this said... i feel further confirmed in my disappointment in my worship education. if a worship student gets anything out of their education it should be that God is always first. and that we must completely give up ourselves to serve our God by worshipping and guiding others into that worship. the musical talent should be second. yes it is important. you want someone who can keep in tune while leading, but it is not to be primary... unfortunately... the musical practical critiques are all we ever get... so... even though we hear we are supposed to be servant... these too become just empty words within our educational context.

so... what is the point of this education? to find out... not how to lead... but the falacies that often come up in the church today... sad excuse for an education...

oh.. one more thing... this angered me today... being told by a professor... you are in college you cant just use the bible to talk about worship... you need to read other books... who are they to say the bible cannot stand alone!

more than fine

as you may recall i wrote a couple blogs ago about saying i am ok... about whether that be truth or not... it is a default for many people.. how are you... i am ok. how are you... im fine. this is an all to common start of conversation. i am guilty of it most of the time... depending on the level of relationship... the more real i get.

well what happens when you talk to those deeper relationship people... i have a few of these... i am one of few really close friends... and i enjoy their company immensely. it is them that true answers come out... it is them that i can be open with... how are you... eh.. how are you... been better... how are you... (a long drawn out rant of things that have gone wrong that day and how you are completely torn up inside..) these are answers... they spark conversations... become the essence of the conversation as a whole. we dont talk about the weather... we dont talk about the game on the tv... (well we do... but not the main part of the conversation)... we dont small talk... we just go.. my hesitancies in the conversation are not due to my fear in what they will think... but my fear that what will come out of my mouth is true... talking to these people... these are the relationships on earth that we live for... not the temporal game playing happy fun seeking ones... yes those are good... but to have more is so much better...

so... as i say this... let me get back to the title of this post... more than fine... i often start singing this or this is your life... are you who you wanna be... as i walk out of the office everyday... these things.. are on my mind a lot... i strive to be more than fine... whatever that takes... more than fine... one day... i would love to be completely honest... and seeing the Lord's healing in my life... to answer my friends with a good. how are you doing? i am good. i am great.. i am at peace. dont we all long for that... to be more than fine... more than just getting by... walking through the motions of life... we all have times in our lives that we just become numb... or at least i think we all do... i know i do... but we become numb and just go from one thing to the next... no thinking or feeling involved... just do what we do... that isnt right... im still in the process of figuring these things out... but.. i know that we are meant to feel... we are meant to more than just do... we are meant to be. and we are meant to BE more than just fine.

whether we are in control of that being... whether we have control over the state of ourselves... that is the question... are we fine because we choose to be... or are we fine because we are being pressed upon and formed and torn down... can one be fine... when they are not really whole?

apart from fear

recently... i have been recognizing reasons behind what i do... and who i have become... there are things... especially lately that have required me to decide things... for those of you that know me well... you know that i am not a good decision maker... it is very hard for me to make up my mind on even the smallest thing... sometimes i think it is good to be careful when making a decision... others... like the majority of the time... i just tend to overanalyze. what i have been noticing is the reason i tend to overanalyze... i am a very fearful person... what is there to fear right? well... there could be plenty to fear... the fear of making the wrong decision is something that often comes up in my mind... to choose one means you could be choosing the wrong one... one would think... well. that could be a noble fear... well not when trying to simply decide which kind of popcorn to pop for a party... cheesy or buttery... its crippling. how can someone walk forward when all they think about is what if they walk the wrong way..

more recently however.. i have been afraid of concequences... this is more specific than just the wrong decision. i am not just saying bad concequences... i think in our eyes... the eyes of man... either choice can bring both bad and good concequences.. i weigh these things like crazy when it comes to making a decision. well if i do this.. then this... if i dont... then this... this could make me happy... but it could also cause some long term damage... well... again... is that all that bad... think through things... we were given a mind... well... i have been thinking lately... yes... funny... because i am about to go against thinking... kind of a paradox. yes we are given a mind... but i dont think it was given for us to overanalyze. if it were... then.. how would we ever allow the Lord to guide... analyzing is done through our own minds... through our own eyes... what good is seeing through our own eyes when our master is guiding us already with his all seeing perfect eye.

now... again... i say these things... and i mean them... but.. i am a long way away from making them 100% in my life... practicum is different than head/word knowledge. i am trying not to allow fear to control... but i am afraid that sometimes... after thinking on something so long... that your mind gets clouded... it becomes hard to see what you wish to see... i want to keep man's guidance... and my own thoughts and fears out of a decision. that just leads to confusion.

its interesting though... if i take fear out of the decision... the path to a certain direction becomes fairly clear... or is that just me thinking that? how can we be sure to be lead... apart from fear?

questions

am i unfit for You
remember me, the one who turned from You
i come in rags tattered by the Fall
and all the earth, a witness to my crime

Mercy, weep over me
let Your tears wash me clean
Majesty, be merciful with me
for my eyes have seen Holy

hear my prayer at night
let the morning find me alive
for i am tired and weakened by the Fall
let all the eart bear witness to my cry

Mercy, weep over me
let Your tears wash me clean
Majesty, be merciful with me
for my eyes have seen Holy

let the Amen sound from Heaven as You lift my soul
Let the Amen sound from Heaven as You lift my soul
let the angels sound from Heaven, Holy is the Lord

Mercy, weep over me
let Your tears wash me clean
Majesty, be merciful with me
for my eyes have seen Holy


this is a song written by Bebo Norman called My Eyes Have Seen Holy. it consistently comes into my head these days. i long and make this my prayer. its hard to see yourself and know you are inherently unclean. to know that nothing you can do will ever clean you. i may be damaged... but i am learning that doesnt matter. his merciful tears can and will wash me clean. and he will lift my soul. i dont think i need to say anything else.

desires

so... i am sitting here and just want to write.. you know that feeling you get when all you want to do is say and put forth something that means something.. well... the thing is... i really dont know what it is that i want to say... so this very much might not be what i want to accomplish at all.

communication is a very interesting thing to say the least. it is something someone accomplishes without ever trying and something that can tear things to pieces if not careful. it is done through the spoken word... through the written, much like i am doing right now... through a look... through a smile... through actions... through many things...

i think something that interests me the most... is what is communicated when someone says something... now i know that sounds dumb and self-explanatory... but people often say one thing and mean something completely different... really if you put in all the factors... what one says is rarely the whole truth.. one that i am often guilty of is the infamous ok... which i mean in partialness is true...compared to the state of some people in the world... or even some day that i have had in the past...or inevitably will have... i am ok... but there is so much more than that to that answer

my friends... the ones that know me best... know when that ok is a real genuine ok to me... or if it is more of a general ok... they can read and hear more than just the words that i speak. its amazing... communication and its several levels.. they know i long to be ok... and they know even to a degree why on that day i am not... i have found... it is these types of relationships that are the good ones... when communication exists in this whole other form... when not only the words spoken... but the way in which it is spoken... the expression on my face... and every other thing i cant even think to name... plays together to speak a truth i never thought i would be able to tell them...

something else intrigues me about this topic... is there anything that is devoid of truth.. my lie that i am ok... seems innocent enough... and easy enough to judge as a lie... but can we really say i do not convey some truth in that... i am ok compared to something else... that is one way... and another is when it is in conjunction with something else.. my state... how i am "feeling" if you will... is still conveyed.. and i wonder.. if i really said how i felt... and not just ok... would that communicate as much as my "ok" would with everything else involve... because then it would be more of a word standing by itself.. not so powerful...

due to things i have experienced in my life... i have begun to not trust words alone... i know... who am i to talk right.. but more needs to be there to make those words truth. too many things are assumed these days... and meanings are applied to words out of mear selfish desires... what would happen if we stopped listening to verbal communication and only saw the world around us.. would be interesting wouldnt it... new truths would come out... and old ones would be seen as false.. or would it simply become like our spoken word today? i dont know... but it makes me think.

sitting

so... i have begun my internship and am a few weeks in now. it is very interesting to see how little time i actually have a boss in the office. he spent all last week off somewhere... yesterday he left without telling me that he wasnt going to be here... and then he got back late today. he spent very little time in the office, and now he is heading out again. i dont really know what to do with most of my time... sleeping would be an option... but i dont really know if that is ethical... what do you think? naw.. not ethical. so i sit here... read his emails... work on a database... and talk to people online... it is the talking to people online that keeps me sane. i dont know... as introverted as i am... i still need people around me... i am the only one in this office... and as nice as that can be at times... i get bored... and i get lonely... hmm... i guess that is just how life is right? i guess it gives me as much time as i want with my thoughts... yay! but yeah... so... now i am really tired and have the opportunity to go home... so... i think i am gonna take it... nap here i come!

home

hey everyone... i am home now. i am back in texas after what seemed like a very very long month. i am glad to be back. i am tired and feeling sick. i got sick toward the end of the trip and am still recovering. i still have a pretty bad cough and am pretty out of it all together. but yeah..

so... i found a business internship. that is great for me. i still dont know much about it... but i will know more soon enough i am sure. i start monday and i expect to learn a lot. but ok... i really dont have much to say... i hope to find some rest this summer. i very much need it... i know that... so we will see. till later...

Another Post

so... i have no idea what i am going to say in this thing... but... i have a couple of minutes so... i thought i would at least say something... things are ok. it still really hasnt rained here in ireland... which is very surprising... things are going fine... i am in the last day of the choir portion of the trip. then we move on out to dundrum so that we can do our mission trip in killyleigh... i am not really sure what the next two weeks will look like... things really havent been too planned out or communicated at least... so... really i do not know what the next day will bring. other than that... and getting into things too personal for a blog or really anything for that matter... that is all that is going on... until next time... i big you ado.