unknown

i sit
i stare
i laugh
i cry

what happens next
i dont know
what happens now
i dont know
what happened then...
i still dont know

i run forward
full force but timid
timid of where my foot lands
timid of where my foot is

timidity is wrong though
so i run hard
it wont stop me
yet i still long to know
to know why

go left
walk right
bow down
stand up

i must do
but i mustn't question
i must meditate
but i mustn't think

easy said
hard to do

do
don't try
leave
don't stay
win
don't lose

already won
but still must run
race still going

tired
but rested
unknown
but peaceful
scarred
but healed

all that matters is known
yet
minds chase

understanding wanted
understanding of why
whys aren't for me

running is for me
tiredness
each step
becomes rest
peace

all other things
i must leave
unknown

lonesome town

im finding myself getting really lonely lately. i miss friends. i miss what had become my home. four years in one place and now i am gone. yes... now i am back in a place that i have spent much more than 4 years... ive lived in texas for the past 22 years... or at least this has been my permanent location. school however became my home. this past year i had my own place. i had neighbors. it was home. now i am sitting in a bed that doesnt belong to me... that i am very grateful to be given... but still feel lacking. i love my friends here. but im sad to say... there is no one my age that i hang out with here anymore. my brother and his wife are the closest, but they are family... not exactly the same.

i do like being back... and i know it is a good place for me... but i am missing the human interaction. i try to keep myself busy.. but the time still passes slowly. i guess what it comes down to is... i miss my friends. i miss them all. i even miss my bosses. and the thought that those people arent coming back ever.. except for periodic visits... really really saddens me. i know they will forever be a part of my life... in one way or another. everyone i have come in contact with has in part made me who i am today. God will continuously shape me with the situations, things, and people around me.

there are seasons in our lives... and my time in undergrad is over. i find myself thinking about the next stage.. still unsure of things but trying to step out the directions i believe God is placing my passions. my face has hit by several slamming doors... and i have no doubt that will continue to happen. but eventually i will step the way God desires... and i am sure i will flinch... but amazingly... it wont hit. i will continue walking as far as His little lamp lets me see. but until that point... i have a feeling... i am lonely for a reason. i am being taught something i am sure. what... still not sure. but i am learning that well... we cant always know.

a humble confession.

so... at this stage in my life... i find a complete paradox taking place. everything seems to be happening all at once... yet... i am in the most stagnant state i think i have ever experienced. i am desperately trying to find my place. who am i? where am i supposed to be? what is my next step? all of these questions are being done while i am placed completely still in the middle of my own life.

i know this state is soon to come to an end... and to be honest... i am completely thrilled about that. i cant wait for what is to come. i am excited about the things i may face along the way. the hard stuff i think even more than the easy. the hard stuff is what has made me who i am. hard builds character. easy just brings momentary satisfaction... if even that. i look forward to being tested and molded. i must admit... i do not yet see who i am to be after God has finished... or even when He is well on His way with His work in me. but there is one thing i can say. i cant wait to meet her. i cant wait to see the person i become. i cant wait to see how much i will reflect His glory. i know it is a long way off. i see that every step of the way. with every struggle i encounter.. every sin i commit... i see just another part of me that is nothing like Him.

yet... there are times that i see myself get so excited about something that seems so simple... something i know is completely out of my flesh. those times... i nearly cry with joy as i see myself reflecting what i never thought i would see in this life time. i am but a humble sinner. there are parts of me... well most of me... that i hate. sin overwhelms me at times. even the smallest sin contaminates the whole. but then i remember... even the smallest speck of light... lights up my entire being. i am a sinner... yet i am redeemed. i dont have to really concentrate on the sin like the ancient israelites. no... i must concentrate on that small speck of light. with that.... the glory of God will become so bright with His glory that i will have to veil my face just as moses.

Dear Father,

help me to keep my focus. my flesh is still a part of me, but i know You can remove even that from my being. Lord, i am Yours. i desire to do that which my Master wishes me to do. yet there are times that i do not do what i want to do and do do what i do not want to do. You love me anyway though. You have redeemed me. You have rescued me. to You i owe you my life. focus my mind completely on You. help me to realize what it truly means to be Yours.

in Your holy Son's name,

Amen.


I am but a sinner. and that is not ok. but something i realize. life goes on. our sins are just that. sin. if we focus on them. they take us over. if we focus on something greater. the sin is no longer controlling. if our minds belong to the Father... then even the smallest thought outside His desires is sin... we are all fallen... but He still loves us... and wants the best for us... aint it great?

i dont know about you... but that love... makes it so much easier to fix my mind on Him. just cant allow yourself.. myself... to forget that love.

a choir united?

so.. i have been doing a lot of thinking about the cathedral choir. we just got off of tour. and every night before we our concert, we would have devotionals. last year i thought these were a little weak, but at least decent. this is a time that helps us as a group focus on why we are there. it is not about the music. it is not about a specific section being perfect or about the people in the "audience." we are united to worship God and lead people in worship of Him.

now when i ask people throughout the choir, they will give that as their answer. they know why we are united. they know what our purpose is. but the problem is... the devos... especially this year.. were rarely about God. they never focused my mind on Him. instead i found people focusing on the choir. talking about how great the choir was... or how much it has meant to them. devos just yesterday before our concert, were all about how much tour meant to us. and how we are eternally thankful for our director, our choir president, and our choir. something just doesnt seem right.

at the end of songs, mr smith generally greets applause with recognizing the choir and then pointing up toward the ceiling... this is him telling the applause need not be for us... but to our God. He is who we are there to honor.

i guess i just wonder... why the one time when our choir is united to focus our minds on God... do we do everything but? are we really united? and if we are.. are we united for the right thing?

ethics

so... i have this new profs in one of my classes... he isnt new... like he has been teaching at the school for a while... but he is new to the class. we used to have this great teacher, but due to the fallen nature of man... he got sick and had to step down from the class for at least the remainder of this semester... so we got stuck with a new prof. this guy is the same one who taught my business law class. so... now we have a law prof teaching an ethics class. am i the only one that sees potential for not great things?

dont get me wrong... we do live in a fallen world, therefore we can justify rightly the need for law. however, ethics is above law. law needs to be upheld within ethics, but i like to think of law being the minimum requirement. now... what do you do when the law is not governing a certain aspect? who knows? this is a place where ethics comes into play.

well... after a few week with this prof... i am seeing some very bad things come of the class. we learned under the previous prof that when you see something not going well... you shouldnt just bail out... but instead try to step up and change things... make them more ethical. well when in the first day of classes under this new prof... in an ethic class no less... i hear cheating on homework i dont consider unethical.. because it is so small... i start second guessing things. red flags started flying up everywhere. especially since just the week before that we were learning that no matter how small it may seem.. we have to hold our ethical stance... because a small hole can become very large over time. well if you did this... this is ok... and then this is ok... then this... then this... etc. soon.. you are claiming something falsely on an income statement... and you are $1 million dollars richer.

doesnt seem like that bad for such a great reward... cost-benefit tells me it is worth it. i mean what are you risking... a few years in jail... restitutions after settlements of like $500,000? shoot... one lie and a couple years just got me a decent paycheck. these are the kind of things i see the class slipping to. and to be honest myself at times. i hate it. i learned last class that if you can state it in a way that is beneficial... then even the worst thing can be ok. justification makes something ok... now that doesnt seem right. but when i speak up about it... what do i get? i get well sarah... make the best out of it... or this is what i am trying to do?

well i am sorry... you may be trying to do the best thing in the world... but if you arent... and you are raising up a group of unethical leaders... something needs to change. but i keep getting told to back down... or tough it out. doesnt seem right to me. i want out of the class at this point. but they wont let me. so... to avoid causing more problems or disrupting everyone elses "learning".. i have concluded that numbing my mind and sitting there quiet is the best solution to the problem. everytime i bring up anything... anger just builds... i shouldnt be angry... i know.. that is not a fruit of the spirit.. but one of the flesh... if i just sit the anger is gone... but when i try to handle any situation that arises in the class... like a poorly graded assignment.. or anything like that... then i just start to get angry... and attempt to walk away...

i honestly just hate to see this class going so poorly. i loved being challenged by the other professor. now i am just blindly memorizing what i need for the test. another class that is a waste of money. goodbye favorite class of the semester... and hello waste of money.

health

so... i havent been feeling well.. that is no real big news to some. i feel like everytime i turn around i need to go back into the doctor... we are still trying to figure out what is exactly wrong with me. they think it is this thing called diabetes insipidus.. no that is not regular diabetes.. it has nothing to do with my blood sugar or insulin levels.. it has to do with your pituitary gland or your kidneys. depending on what type you have... well... like i said... i may or i may not have this. i have had to do a lot of medical tests... blood and the like... they are fairly sure now that they will do this thing called a water deprivation test... not too excited about that at all. it is the crappiest test on the face of the planet. i drink a lot of water a day. generally i am always carrying my nalgene with me. if i get to sit for a second and just drink... that nalgene will be downed very quickly... and i will have to go fill it again. this test just takes the water away from you... NOT FUN. i am playing the waiting game now.... when the doctor calls.. then we go from there... if not.. then yay!

i really dont like waiting... it seems i am being asked to do a lot of it lately.. normally i dont have a problem with it... like one thing here or there... i can wait... i am generally a patient person... but when everything around you is saying wait... and they are all generally large things.. it gets rather annoying and nerve wracking... i understand i should be trusting God. and i am trying... it is just hard sometimes. i guess that is why they call it trust... and faith... if it wasnt so hard... then it wouldnt be the same at all.

beautiful destruction

so... for those of you who dont know... i am living in the middle of a disaster zone. earlier this week a sheet of ice planted itself all over the city. tuesday i went out to the car and there was about an inch separating me from my windshield. there was also icicles making it very very hard to get into the car. i had to break this wall of ice just to get in and turn on the defroster... like that was actually gonna help. well... after about 40 minutes... i got it uncovered enough that i felt it ok to drive... well... that was the least awful day of the week...

tuesday afternoon i sat and watched trees topple over as i was taking the new slate of ice off of my car. i feared as i drove and heard small twigs hit my car. when i got home... i walked inside and there i sat for the next 2 days. JBU for the first time in history cancelled classes on wednesday. we were encouraged to stay inside. power was lost all throughout the state. the place was really a disaster...

but this morning as i went outside... because jbu can never cancel 2 days of class... that would be crazy... i go out to my car... get into it after a couple of knocks to remove some ice... and try to start it up... its dead... oh joy... well... i had to get up to school for a voice lesson... so i take off walking.

as i walked i saw amazing things. things were destroyed. trees fallen on powerlines. people unable to leave their house because of powerlines draped across their driveway. but you look up and see the light shining through the ice. it was beautiful. throughout the destruction... there was still beauty.



it is kind of like fire... a forest fire kills off so much... but it leaves the land so fertile and ready for life. it is a beautiful thing. God may have times that things dont always look the greatest... outlook on our end may seem bleak... but it always leads to something more beautiful than we could have ever planned...

What was the dream?

so... we had a speaker come into chapel... of course he was black. it seems funny to me... i think back to all that i have learned every year on this day about martin luther king jr. what did he teach... he didnt teach equality of the races at all... he taught that race wouldnt matter. it would be the content of the character that mattered. and that is basically what the guy said. he made a lot of comments about how he gets asked to speak on MLK day because he is a black preacher and all that. but how he always changes his topic to something more universal.

well.. something i thought was funny that happened yesterday that is very relavent to what the guy talked about tonight was something i saw on tv yesterday. i was watching lean on me on BET. a commercial came on that was for obama... it wasnt all that surprising that i saw it... but then it was talking about inaguration and had this figure that looked a lot like MLK out in the crowd. the guy was watching obama swearing into office. and then at the end it said a dream come true... or a dream realized or something like that. i almost turned off the tv... now i am not a racist... yeah... i have some strong feelings sometimes... but not about the people but some of the crap that has come out of reconciliation. i dont agree with affirmative action or anything that says one person should be held above another just because people of their "kind" had it rough in the past. well i got to thinking during chapel today as to why that made me not very happy seeing that on the tv. and now i know.

that was not the dream at all. the dream was that one race wouldnt be held over another... but it seems that there is something special about a black person being elected president. you know i will give you that yes. it is historic. but it is nothing that should be really treated like a dream has been realized... saying that in itself tells me that it has not been realized. on the contrary we are still very far from it. we are still looking at the color of the skin. we have just switched it around. we have a race picking a president just because he is black.

im sorry mr. martin luther king... your dream is just as far from being realized as ever.