those that know me best know that i am always busy. i often complain about the sheer quantity of things that i have to do... but... i strategically make my life out to be busy... why do i do this? why do i think that i have the right to complain about anything...
throughout my busyness.. i always find myself longing for some relaxation... but i am so unwilling to do anything that will get me that..
time is something that is i long for... but run from as fast as i can... time means thoughts... time means struggles... time means sin.... well it shouldnt always mean that... but it seems to at this stage in life... i know i should be giving myself more time... that way i can learn how to handle it.. but sometimes i just dont think i am able to...
do you ever find yourself running from things that are healthy for one reason or another.... generally because of fear... i know i do... this is only one example. i am now out of school for about a month... i have nothing to preoccupy my mind... i am just here. gotta think... gotta process... gotta deal...
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
An Aroma Pleasing to Who?
i was just thinking about my last post... if you havent read it, you might want to just to know where i am coming from with this.
i was just thinking about the things that happened that night... and how it was not necessarily something far out in left field. it was something that was just an extreme of something that exists out in the world so often today. this just gets me thinking... who does our worship exist for. i understand there needs to be this balance. it needs to be good enough that it doesnt hinder worship of others, but i mean how much of that is just catering to our society. we are perfectionists who demand it of everything... including our worship. but its funny worship is not for us. it is something that i think should actually leave us in awe of how insignificant we are apart from God. It is God living in us that makes us anything. so why does our worship have to sound so pleasing to us?
something specific that i was thinking about today was the concept of the sacrificial worship of the old testament. the burnt offering was made as an aroma pleasing to the lord. can you imagine the burning of an animal carcus... that would smell something horrible to us... it hasnt been seasoned or anything like that... and this is burning flesh and hair. not something you would find pleasure in. God looks for something different than we as man do. He sees this offering as beautiful... but to the man giving it... that was the loss of His best calf or whatever the animal happened to be. does that make sense? man... isnt that mind blowing? we need to take selfish selves out of the picture. when we think of worship we should be thinking of pleasing the Lord first and foremost. our lives of worship... pleasing the Lord first and foremost. but NO!!! we dont. what is wrong with us. we say one thing... but when we build something like a worship service... what do we do... we spend the majority of our time concentrating on something like the arrangement or musical excellence. something seems backwards. maybe we should take it back. God doesnt see excellence the same way we do. why dont we ask what he wants and aim to hit that? seems logical right?
i was just thinking about the things that happened that night... and how it was not necessarily something far out in left field. it was something that was just an extreme of something that exists out in the world so often today. this just gets me thinking... who does our worship exist for. i understand there needs to be this balance. it needs to be good enough that it doesnt hinder worship of others, but i mean how much of that is just catering to our society. we are perfectionists who demand it of everything... including our worship. but its funny worship is not for us. it is something that i think should actually leave us in awe of how insignificant we are apart from God. It is God living in us that makes us anything. so why does our worship have to sound so pleasing to us?
something specific that i was thinking about today was the concept of the sacrificial worship of the old testament. the burnt offering was made as an aroma pleasing to the lord. can you imagine the burning of an animal carcus... that would smell something horrible to us... it hasnt been seasoned or anything like that... and this is burning flesh and hair. not something you would find pleasure in. God looks for something different than we as man do. He sees this offering as beautiful... but to the man giving it... that was the loss of His best calf or whatever the animal happened to be. does that make sense? man... isnt that mind blowing? we need to take selfish selves out of the picture. when we think of worship we should be thinking of pleasing the Lord first and foremost. our lives of worship... pleasing the Lord first and foremost. but NO!!! we dont. what is wrong with us. we say one thing... but when we build something like a worship service... what do we do... we spend the majority of our time concentrating on something like the arrangement or musical excellence. something seems backwards. maybe we should take it back. God doesnt see excellence the same way we do. why dont we ask what he wants and aim to hit that? seems logical right?
Friday, October 03, 2008
what is worship?
so... i just got back from a final senior worship presentation of a couple of my peers. at first, i must say... the music was great. they excelled greatly when it came to the sound of the different songs. this is something they have always been good at... but yet... i was left incredibly disappointed.
i have talked with several others who attended tonight as well... they all seem to also recognize something was missing. when i ask what they think... being music majors, they most say it sounded great musically. yet... something was lacking. it lasted an hour and a half.. and throughout this time... i cant really say i "entered into" worship. there was a spiritual aspect missing. i liken the whole experience to a christian concert. but... what makes it different. i mean... the songs were about God. there seems to be some around me that were worshipping... i looked around often curious of how people were taking to it.
i realize part of me not worshipping tonight is my fault... i need to walk myself always in worship. but gathered together for corporate worship is different than walking in a life of sacrifice for our Father. we must be led as one in worship. but for that... there needs to be more than just religious songs offered up with empty words. each word that was sung... was said... was acted out... i hate to say... was just that alone... there was nothing to it. at one point i stopped singing.. and just sat... i wanted to think about what was happening...
and as i think back... it wasnt worship... at least not of God. it was worship of what man can do. at the beginning there was a professor that spoke and introduced the evening. all this time... he spoke of all the two guys had done. and what they will do... he also talked about how we all are there because we love these two guys and want to see them do well... then... at the end... we got a thank you. it was a thank you not for being a part of a night of worship... but for coming out to support them... that is not what worship should ever be about... these guys became the center of a night of "worship"... this context led to the empty words...
with all this said... i feel further confirmed in my disappointment in my worship education. if a worship student gets anything out of their education it should be that God is always first. and that we must completely give up ourselves to serve our God by worshipping and guiding others into that worship. the musical talent should be second. yes it is important. you want someone who can keep in tune while leading, but it is not to be primary... unfortunately... the musical practical critiques are all we ever get... so... even though we hear we are supposed to be servant... these too become just empty words within our educational context.
so... what is the point of this education? to find out... not how to lead... but the falacies that often come up in the church today... sad excuse for an education...
oh.. one more thing... this angered me today... being told by a professor... you are in college you cant just use the bible to talk about worship... you need to read other books... who are they to say the bible cannot stand alone!
i have talked with several others who attended tonight as well... they all seem to also recognize something was missing. when i ask what they think... being music majors, they most say it sounded great musically. yet... something was lacking. it lasted an hour and a half.. and throughout this time... i cant really say i "entered into" worship. there was a spiritual aspect missing. i liken the whole experience to a christian concert. but... what makes it different. i mean... the songs were about God. there seems to be some around me that were worshipping... i looked around often curious of how people were taking to it.
i realize part of me not worshipping tonight is my fault... i need to walk myself always in worship. but gathered together for corporate worship is different than walking in a life of sacrifice for our Father. we must be led as one in worship. but for that... there needs to be more than just religious songs offered up with empty words. each word that was sung... was said... was acted out... i hate to say... was just that alone... there was nothing to it. at one point i stopped singing.. and just sat... i wanted to think about what was happening...
and as i think back... it wasnt worship... at least not of God. it was worship of what man can do. at the beginning there was a professor that spoke and introduced the evening. all this time... he spoke of all the two guys had done. and what they will do... he also talked about how we all are there because we love these two guys and want to see them do well... then... at the end... we got a thank you. it was a thank you not for being a part of a night of worship... but for coming out to support them... that is not what worship should ever be about... these guys became the center of a night of "worship"... this context led to the empty words...
with all this said... i feel further confirmed in my disappointment in my worship education. if a worship student gets anything out of their education it should be that God is always first. and that we must completely give up ourselves to serve our God by worshipping and guiding others into that worship. the musical talent should be second. yes it is important. you want someone who can keep in tune while leading, but it is not to be primary... unfortunately... the musical practical critiques are all we ever get... so... even though we hear we are supposed to be servant... these too become just empty words within our educational context.
so... what is the point of this education? to find out... not how to lead... but the falacies that often come up in the church today... sad excuse for an education...
oh.. one more thing... this angered me today... being told by a professor... you are in college you cant just use the bible to talk about worship... you need to read other books... who are they to say the bible cannot stand alone!
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
more than fine
as you may recall i wrote a couple blogs ago about saying i am ok... about whether that be truth or not... it is a default for many people.. how are you... i am ok. how are you... im fine. this is an all to common start of conversation. i am guilty of it most of the time... depending on the level of relationship... the more real i get.
well what happens when you talk to those deeper relationship people... i have a few of these... i am one of few really close friends... and i enjoy their company immensely. it is them that true answers come out... it is them that i can be open with... how are you... eh.. how are you... been better... how are you... (a long drawn out rant of things that have gone wrong that day and how you are completely torn up inside..) these are answers... they spark conversations... become the essence of the conversation as a whole. we dont talk about the weather... we dont talk about the game on the tv... (well we do... but not the main part of the conversation)... we dont small talk... we just go.. my hesitancies in the conversation are not due to my fear in what they will think... but my fear that what will come out of my mouth is true... talking to these people... these are the relationships on earth that we live for... not the temporal game playing happy fun seeking ones... yes those are good... but to have more is so much better...
so... as i say this... let me get back to the title of this post... more than fine... i often start singing this or this is your life... are you who you wanna be... as i walk out of the office everyday... these things.. are on my mind a lot... i strive to be more than fine... whatever that takes... more than fine... one day... i would love to be completely honest... and seeing the Lord's healing in my life... to answer my friends with a good. how are you doing? i am good. i am great.. i am at peace. dont we all long for that... to be more than fine... more than just getting by... walking through the motions of life... we all have times in our lives that we just become numb... or at least i think we all do... i know i do... but we become numb and just go from one thing to the next... no thinking or feeling involved... just do what we do... that isnt right... im still in the process of figuring these things out... but.. i know that we are meant to feel... we are meant to more than just do... we are meant to be. and we are meant to BE more than just fine.
whether we are in control of that being... whether we have control over the state of ourselves... that is the question... are we fine because we choose to be... or are we fine because we are being pressed upon and formed and torn down... can one be fine... when they are not really whole?
well what happens when you talk to those deeper relationship people... i have a few of these... i am one of few really close friends... and i enjoy their company immensely. it is them that true answers come out... it is them that i can be open with... how are you... eh.. how are you... been better... how are you... (a long drawn out rant of things that have gone wrong that day and how you are completely torn up inside..) these are answers... they spark conversations... become the essence of the conversation as a whole. we dont talk about the weather... we dont talk about the game on the tv... (well we do... but not the main part of the conversation)... we dont small talk... we just go.. my hesitancies in the conversation are not due to my fear in what they will think... but my fear that what will come out of my mouth is true... talking to these people... these are the relationships on earth that we live for... not the temporal game playing happy fun seeking ones... yes those are good... but to have more is so much better...
so... as i say this... let me get back to the title of this post... more than fine... i often start singing this or this is your life... are you who you wanna be... as i walk out of the office everyday... these things.. are on my mind a lot... i strive to be more than fine... whatever that takes... more than fine... one day... i would love to be completely honest... and seeing the Lord's healing in my life... to answer my friends with a good. how are you doing? i am good. i am great.. i am at peace. dont we all long for that... to be more than fine... more than just getting by... walking through the motions of life... we all have times in our lives that we just become numb... or at least i think we all do... i know i do... but we become numb and just go from one thing to the next... no thinking or feeling involved... just do what we do... that isnt right... im still in the process of figuring these things out... but.. i know that we are meant to feel... we are meant to more than just do... we are meant to be. and we are meant to BE more than just fine.
whether we are in control of that being... whether we have control over the state of ourselves... that is the question... are we fine because we choose to be... or are we fine because we are being pressed upon and formed and torn down... can one be fine... when they are not really whole?
Thursday, July 17, 2008
apart from fear
recently... i have been recognizing reasons behind what i do... and who i have become... there are things... especially lately that have required me to decide things... for those of you that know me well... you know that i am not a good decision maker... it is very hard for me to make up my mind on even the smallest thing... sometimes i think it is good to be careful when making a decision... others... like the majority of the time... i just tend to overanalyze. what i have been noticing is the reason i tend to overanalyze... i am a very fearful person... what is there to fear right? well... there could be plenty to fear... the fear of making the wrong decision is something that often comes up in my mind... to choose one means you could be choosing the wrong one... one would think... well. that could be a noble fear... well not when trying to simply decide which kind of popcorn to pop for a party... cheesy or buttery... its crippling. how can someone walk forward when all they think about is what if they walk the wrong way..
more recently however.. i have been afraid of concequences... this is more specific than just the wrong decision. i am not just saying bad concequences... i think in our eyes... the eyes of man... either choice can bring both bad and good concequences.. i weigh these things like crazy when it comes to making a decision. well if i do this.. then this... if i dont... then this... this could make me happy... but it could also cause some long term damage... well... again... is that all that bad... think through things... we were given a mind... well... i have been thinking lately... yes... funny... because i am about to go against thinking... kind of a paradox. yes we are given a mind... but i dont think it was given for us to overanalyze. if it were... then.. how would we ever allow the Lord to guide... analyzing is done through our own minds... through our own eyes... what good is seeing through our own eyes when our master is guiding us already with his all seeing perfect eye.
now... again... i say these things... and i mean them... but.. i am a long way away from making them 100% in my life... practicum is different than head/word knowledge. i am trying not to allow fear to control... but i am afraid that sometimes... after thinking on something so long... that your mind gets clouded... it becomes hard to see what you wish to see... i want to keep man's guidance... and my own thoughts and fears out of a decision. that just leads to confusion.
its interesting though... if i take fear out of the decision... the path to a certain direction becomes fairly clear... or is that just me thinking that? how can we be sure to be lead... apart from fear?
more recently however.. i have been afraid of concequences... this is more specific than just the wrong decision. i am not just saying bad concequences... i think in our eyes... the eyes of man... either choice can bring both bad and good concequences.. i weigh these things like crazy when it comes to making a decision. well if i do this.. then this... if i dont... then this... this could make me happy... but it could also cause some long term damage... well... again... is that all that bad... think through things... we were given a mind... well... i have been thinking lately... yes... funny... because i am about to go against thinking... kind of a paradox. yes we are given a mind... but i dont think it was given for us to overanalyze. if it were... then.. how would we ever allow the Lord to guide... analyzing is done through our own minds... through our own eyes... what good is seeing through our own eyes when our master is guiding us already with his all seeing perfect eye.
now... again... i say these things... and i mean them... but.. i am a long way away from making them 100% in my life... practicum is different than head/word knowledge. i am trying not to allow fear to control... but i am afraid that sometimes... after thinking on something so long... that your mind gets clouded... it becomes hard to see what you wish to see... i want to keep man's guidance... and my own thoughts and fears out of a decision. that just leads to confusion.
its interesting though... if i take fear out of the decision... the path to a certain direction becomes fairly clear... or is that just me thinking that? how can we be sure to be lead... apart from fear?
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
questions
am i unfit for You
remember me, the one who turned from You
i come in rags tattered by the Fall
and all the earth, a witness to my crime
Mercy, weep over me
let Your tears wash me clean
Majesty, be merciful with me
for my eyes have seen Holy
hear my prayer at night
let the morning find me alive
for i am tired and weakened by the Fall
let all the eart bear witness to my cry
Mercy, weep over me
let Your tears wash me clean
Majesty, be merciful with me
for my eyes have seen Holy
let the Amen sound from Heaven as You lift my soul
Let the Amen sound from Heaven as You lift my soul
let the angels sound from Heaven, Holy is the Lord
Mercy, weep over me
let Your tears wash me clean
Majesty, be merciful with me
for my eyes have seen Holy
this is a song written by Bebo Norman called My Eyes Have Seen Holy. it consistently comes into my head these days. i long and make this my prayer. its hard to see yourself and know you are inherently unclean. to know that nothing you can do will ever clean you. i may be damaged... but i am learning that doesnt matter. his merciful tears can and will wash me clean. and he will lift my soul. i dont think i need to say anything else.
remember me, the one who turned from You
i come in rags tattered by the Fall
and all the earth, a witness to my crime
Mercy, weep over me
let Your tears wash me clean
Majesty, be merciful with me
for my eyes have seen Holy
hear my prayer at night
let the morning find me alive
for i am tired and weakened by the Fall
let all the eart bear witness to my cry
Mercy, weep over me
let Your tears wash me clean
Majesty, be merciful with me
for my eyes have seen Holy
let the Amen sound from Heaven as You lift my soul
Let the Amen sound from Heaven as You lift my soul
let the angels sound from Heaven, Holy is the Lord
Mercy, weep over me
let Your tears wash me clean
Majesty, be merciful with me
for my eyes have seen Holy
this is a song written by Bebo Norman called My Eyes Have Seen Holy. it consistently comes into my head these days. i long and make this my prayer. its hard to see yourself and know you are inherently unclean. to know that nothing you can do will ever clean you. i may be damaged... but i am learning that doesnt matter. his merciful tears can and will wash me clean. and he will lift my soul. i dont think i need to say anything else.
Friday, June 27, 2008
desires
so... i am sitting here and just want to write.. you know that feeling you get when all you want to do is say and put forth something that means something.. well... the thing is... i really dont know what it is that i want to say... so this very much might not be what i want to accomplish at all.
communication is a very interesting thing to say the least. it is something someone accomplishes without ever trying and something that can tear things to pieces if not careful. it is done through the spoken word... through the written, much like i am doing right now... through a look... through a smile... through actions... through many things...
i think something that interests me the most... is what is communicated when someone says something... now i know that sounds dumb and self-explanatory... but people often say one thing and mean something completely different... really if you put in all the factors... what one says is rarely the whole truth.. one that i am often guilty of is the infamous ok... which i mean in partialness is true...compared to the state of some people in the world... or even some day that i have had in the past...or inevitably will have... i am ok... but there is so much more than that to that answer
my friends... the ones that know me best... know when that ok is a real genuine ok to me... or if it is more of a general ok... they can read and hear more than just the words that i speak. its amazing... communication and its several levels.. they know i long to be ok... and they know even to a degree why on that day i am not... i have found... it is these types of relationships that are the good ones... when communication exists in this whole other form... when not only the words spoken... but the way in which it is spoken... the expression on my face... and every other thing i cant even think to name... plays together to speak a truth i never thought i would be able to tell them...
something else intrigues me about this topic... is there anything that is devoid of truth.. my lie that i am ok... seems innocent enough... and easy enough to judge as a lie... but can we really say i do not convey some truth in that... i am ok compared to something else... that is one way... and another is when it is in conjunction with something else.. my state... how i am "feeling" if you will... is still conveyed.. and i wonder.. if i really said how i felt... and not just ok... would that communicate as much as my "ok" would with everything else involve... because then it would be more of a word standing by itself.. not so powerful...
due to things i have experienced in my life... i have begun to not trust words alone... i know... who am i to talk right.. but more needs to be there to make those words truth. too many things are assumed these days... and meanings are applied to words out of mear selfish desires... what would happen if we stopped listening to verbal communication and only saw the world around us.. would be interesting wouldnt it... new truths would come out... and old ones would be seen as false.. or would it simply become like our spoken word today? i dont know... but it makes me think.
communication is a very interesting thing to say the least. it is something someone accomplishes without ever trying and something that can tear things to pieces if not careful. it is done through the spoken word... through the written, much like i am doing right now... through a look... through a smile... through actions... through many things...
i think something that interests me the most... is what is communicated when someone says something... now i know that sounds dumb and self-explanatory... but people often say one thing and mean something completely different... really if you put in all the factors... what one says is rarely the whole truth.. one that i am often guilty of is the infamous ok... which i mean in partialness is true...compared to the state of some people in the world... or even some day that i have had in the past...or inevitably will have... i am ok... but there is so much more than that to that answer
my friends... the ones that know me best... know when that ok is a real genuine ok to me... or if it is more of a general ok... they can read and hear more than just the words that i speak. its amazing... communication and its several levels.. they know i long to be ok... and they know even to a degree why on that day i am not... i have found... it is these types of relationships that are the good ones... when communication exists in this whole other form... when not only the words spoken... but the way in which it is spoken... the expression on my face... and every other thing i cant even think to name... plays together to speak a truth i never thought i would be able to tell them...
something else intrigues me about this topic... is there anything that is devoid of truth.. my lie that i am ok... seems innocent enough... and easy enough to judge as a lie... but can we really say i do not convey some truth in that... i am ok compared to something else... that is one way... and another is when it is in conjunction with something else.. my state... how i am "feeling" if you will... is still conveyed.. and i wonder.. if i really said how i felt... and not just ok... would that communicate as much as my "ok" would with everything else involve... because then it would be more of a word standing by itself.. not so powerful...
due to things i have experienced in my life... i have begun to not trust words alone... i know... who am i to talk right.. but more needs to be there to make those words truth. too many things are assumed these days... and meanings are applied to words out of mear selfish desires... what would happen if we stopped listening to verbal communication and only saw the world around us.. would be interesting wouldnt it... new truths would come out... and old ones would be seen as false.. or would it simply become like our spoken word today? i dont know... but it makes me think.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
sitting
so... i have begun my internship and am a few weeks in now. it is very interesting to see how little time i actually have a boss in the office. he spent all last week off somewhere... yesterday he left without telling me that he wasnt going to be here... and then he got back late today. he spent very little time in the office, and now he is heading out again. i dont really know what to do with most of my time... sleeping would be an option... but i dont really know if that is ethical... what do you think? naw.. not ethical. so i sit here... read his emails... work on a database... and talk to people online... it is the talking to people online that keeps me sane. i dont know... as introverted as i am... i still need people around me... i am the only one in this office... and as nice as that can be at times... i get bored... and i get lonely... hmm... i guess that is just how life is right? i guess it gives me as much time as i want with my thoughts... yay! but yeah... so... now i am really tired and have the opportunity to go home... so... i think i am gonna take it... nap here i come!
Thursday, June 05, 2008
home
hey everyone... i am home now. i am back in texas after what seemed like a very very long month. i am glad to be back. i am tired and feeling sick. i got sick toward the end of the trip and am still recovering. i still have a pretty bad cough and am pretty out of it all together. but yeah..
so... i found a business internship. that is great for me. i still dont know much about it... but i will know more soon enough i am sure. i start monday and i expect to learn a lot. but ok... i really dont have much to say... i hope to find some rest this summer. i very much need it... i know that... so we will see. till later...
so... i found a business internship. that is great for me. i still dont know much about it... but i will know more soon enough i am sure. i start monday and i expect to learn a lot. but ok... i really dont have much to say... i hope to find some rest this summer. i very much need it... i know that... so we will see. till later...
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Another Post
so... i have no idea what i am going to say in this thing... but... i have a couple of minutes so... i thought i would at least say something... things are ok. it still really hasnt rained here in ireland... which is very surprising... things are going fine... i am in the last day of the choir portion of the trip. then we move on out to dundrum so that we can do our mission trip in killyleigh... i am not really sure what the next two weeks will look like... things really havent been too planned out or communicated at least... so... really i do not know what the next day will bring. other than that... and getting into things too personal for a blog or really anything for that matter... that is all that is going on... until next time... i big you ado.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Ireland
hey everyone... i am almost sure that no one reads this anymore... seeing as i haven't updated in so long. well... i am now in northern ireland. i am on choir tour here for one more week. it has been good. we have seen a lot of the country side and have sung in a lot of churches. it has been good. a couple cool things that have happened so hard. we were invited to sing in a catholic school. that was really significant seeing as we are very evangelical. they were very welcoming. also... we went to this rope bridge... and right before the bridge we all gathered and sang. it is things like that that i will remember. it was something different. and it wasnt to the people that are already preached to all the time... it was nice. and then the last thing worth mentioning is our recording... we are now entering our 2nd day or recording. we are doing it in st marks church. this is where c.s. lewis grew up. it is a beautiful place. the sound is amazing. the recording sessions are pretty intense... but i think it will be worth it.
other than that... things are going alright... i have to be honest... even though this place is much prettier than jordan... i would choose jordan to go visit any day. there seems to be too much of a disconnect between us and the people here. we just never really get to interact. i am sure the 2nd two week will be better for that... but still... it is kind of sucky. why are we here after all...
and that has me thinking even more... we are calling both parts of this thing a mission trip. what makes me even think i am called into something like this. i think that when one begins to deal with things... it gets hard to realize that you can still be used... i dont know... i wonder if i will be more of a hinderance to the mission part of this.. or a helping... god can speak through troubles... i know this... but i wonder.
other than that... things are going alright... i have to be honest... even though this place is much prettier than jordan... i would choose jordan to go visit any day. there seems to be too much of a disconnect between us and the people here. we just never really get to interact. i am sure the 2nd two week will be better for that... but still... it is kind of sucky. why are we here after all...
and that has me thinking even more... we are calling both parts of this thing a mission trip. what makes me even think i am called into something like this. i think that when one begins to deal with things... it gets hard to realize that you can still be used... i dont know... i wonder if i will be more of a hinderance to the mission part of this.. or a helping... god can speak through troubles... i know this... but i wonder.
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