so... i havent been feeling well.. that is no real big news to some. i feel like everytime i turn around i need to go back into the doctor... we are still trying to figure out what is exactly wrong with me. they think it is this thing called diabetes insipidus.. no that is not regular diabetes.. it has nothing to do with my blood sugar or insulin levels.. it has to do with your pituitary gland or your kidneys. depending on what type you have... well... like i said... i may or i may not have this. i have had to do a lot of medical tests... blood and the like... they are fairly sure now that they will do this thing called a water deprivation test... not too excited about that at all. it is the crappiest test on the face of the planet. i drink a lot of water a day. generally i am always carrying my nalgene with me. if i get to sit for a second and just drink... that nalgene will be downed very quickly... and i will have to go fill it again. this test just takes the water away from you... NOT FUN. i am playing the waiting game now.... when the doctor calls.. then we go from there... if not.. then yay!
i really dont like waiting... it seems i am being asked to do a lot of it lately.. normally i dont have a problem with it... like one thing here or there... i can wait... i am generally a patient person... but when everything around you is saying wait... and they are all generally large things.. it gets rather annoying and nerve wracking... i understand i should be trusting God. and i am trying... it is just hard sometimes. i guess that is why they call it trust... and faith... if it wasnt so hard... then it wouldnt be the same at all.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
beautiful destruction
so... for those of you who dont know... i am living in the middle of a disaster zone. earlier this week a sheet of ice planted itself all over the city. tuesday i went out to the car and there was about an inch separating me from my windshield. there was also icicles making it very very hard to get into the car. i had to break this wall of ice just to get in and turn on the defroster... like that was actually gonna help. well... after about 40 minutes... i got it uncovered enough that i felt it ok to drive... well... that was the least awful day of the week...
tuesday afternoon i sat and watched trees topple over as i was taking the new slate of ice off of my car. i feared as i drove and heard small twigs hit my car. when i got home... i walked inside and there i sat for the next 2 days. JBU for the first time in history cancelled classes on wednesday. we were encouraged to stay inside. power was lost all throughout the state. the place was really a disaster...
but this morning as i went outside... because jbu can never cancel 2 days of class... that would be crazy... i go out to my car... get into it after a couple of knocks to remove some ice... and try to start it up... its dead... oh joy... well... i had to get up to school for a voice lesson... so i take off walking.
as i walked i saw amazing things. things were destroyed. trees fallen on powerlines. people unable to leave their house because of powerlines draped across their driveway. but you look up and see the light shining through the ice. it was beautiful. throughout the destruction... there was still beauty.
it is kind of like fire... a forest fire kills off so much... but it leaves the land so fertile and ready for life. it is a beautiful thing. God may have times that things dont always look the greatest... outlook on our end may seem bleak... but it always leads to something more beautiful than we could have ever planned...
Monday, January 19, 2009
What was the dream?
so... we had a speaker come into chapel... of course he was black. it seems funny to me... i think back to all that i have learned every year on this day about martin luther king jr. what did he teach... he didnt teach equality of the races at all... he taught that race wouldnt matter. it would be the content of the character that mattered. and that is basically what the guy said. he made a lot of comments about how he gets asked to speak on MLK day because he is a black preacher and all that. but how he always changes his topic to something more universal.
well.. something i thought was funny that happened yesterday that is very relavent to what the guy talked about tonight was something i saw on tv yesterday. i was watching lean on me on BET. a commercial came on that was for obama... it wasnt all that surprising that i saw it... but then it was talking about inaguration and had this figure that looked a lot like MLK out in the crowd. the guy was watching obama swearing into office. and then at the end it said a dream come true... or a dream realized or something like that. i almost turned off the tv... now i am not a racist... yeah... i have some strong feelings sometimes... but not about the people but some of the crap that has come out of reconciliation. i dont agree with affirmative action or anything that says one person should be held above another just because people of their "kind" had it rough in the past. well i got to thinking during chapel today as to why that made me not very happy seeing that on the tv. and now i know.
that was not the dream at all. the dream was that one race wouldnt be held over another... but it seems that there is something special about a black person being elected president. you know i will give you that yes. it is historic. but it is nothing that should be really treated like a dream has been realized... saying that in itself tells me that it has not been realized. on the contrary we are still very far from it. we are still looking at the color of the skin. we have just switched it around. we have a race picking a president just because he is black.
im sorry mr. martin luther king... your dream is just as far from being realized as ever.
well.. something i thought was funny that happened yesterday that is very relavent to what the guy talked about tonight was something i saw on tv yesterday. i was watching lean on me on BET. a commercial came on that was for obama... it wasnt all that surprising that i saw it... but then it was talking about inaguration and had this figure that looked a lot like MLK out in the crowd. the guy was watching obama swearing into office. and then at the end it said a dream come true... or a dream realized or something like that. i almost turned off the tv... now i am not a racist... yeah... i have some strong feelings sometimes... but not about the people but some of the crap that has come out of reconciliation. i dont agree with affirmative action or anything that says one person should be held above another just because people of their "kind" had it rough in the past. well i got to thinking during chapel today as to why that made me not very happy seeing that on the tv. and now i know.
that was not the dream at all. the dream was that one race wouldnt be held over another... but it seems that there is something special about a black person being elected president. you know i will give you that yes. it is historic. but it is nothing that should be really treated like a dream has been realized... saying that in itself tells me that it has not been realized. on the contrary we are still very far from it. we are still looking at the color of the skin. we have just switched it around. we have a race picking a president just because he is black.
im sorry mr. martin luther king... your dream is just as far from being realized as ever.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
longing for what i run from
those that know me best know that i am always busy. i often complain about the sheer quantity of things that i have to do... but... i strategically make my life out to be busy... why do i do this? why do i think that i have the right to complain about anything...
throughout my busyness.. i always find myself longing for some relaxation... but i am so unwilling to do anything that will get me that..
time is something that is i long for... but run from as fast as i can... time means thoughts... time means struggles... time means sin.... well it shouldnt always mean that... but it seems to at this stage in life... i know i should be giving myself more time... that way i can learn how to handle it.. but sometimes i just dont think i am able to...
do you ever find yourself running from things that are healthy for one reason or another.... generally because of fear... i know i do... this is only one example. i am now out of school for about a month... i have nothing to preoccupy my mind... i am just here. gotta think... gotta process... gotta deal...
throughout my busyness.. i always find myself longing for some relaxation... but i am so unwilling to do anything that will get me that..
time is something that is i long for... but run from as fast as i can... time means thoughts... time means struggles... time means sin.... well it shouldnt always mean that... but it seems to at this stage in life... i know i should be giving myself more time... that way i can learn how to handle it.. but sometimes i just dont think i am able to...
do you ever find yourself running from things that are healthy for one reason or another.... generally because of fear... i know i do... this is only one example. i am now out of school for about a month... i have nothing to preoccupy my mind... i am just here. gotta think... gotta process... gotta deal...
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
An Aroma Pleasing to Who?
i was just thinking about my last post... if you havent read it, you might want to just to know where i am coming from with this.
i was just thinking about the things that happened that night... and how it was not necessarily something far out in left field. it was something that was just an extreme of something that exists out in the world so often today. this just gets me thinking... who does our worship exist for. i understand there needs to be this balance. it needs to be good enough that it doesnt hinder worship of others, but i mean how much of that is just catering to our society. we are perfectionists who demand it of everything... including our worship. but its funny worship is not for us. it is something that i think should actually leave us in awe of how insignificant we are apart from God. It is God living in us that makes us anything. so why does our worship have to sound so pleasing to us?
something specific that i was thinking about today was the concept of the sacrificial worship of the old testament. the burnt offering was made as an aroma pleasing to the lord. can you imagine the burning of an animal carcus... that would smell something horrible to us... it hasnt been seasoned or anything like that... and this is burning flesh and hair. not something you would find pleasure in. God looks for something different than we as man do. He sees this offering as beautiful... but to the man giving it... that was the loss of His best calf or whatever the animal happened to be. does that make sense? man... isnt that mind blowing? we need to take selfish selves out of the picture. when we think of worship we should be thinking of pleasing the Lord first and foremost. our lives of worship... pleasing the Lord first and foremost. but NO!!! we dont. what is wrong with us. we say one thing... but when we build something like a worship service... what do we do... we spend the majority of our time concentrating on something like the arrangement or musical excellence. something seems backwards. maybe we should take it back. God doesnt see excellence the same way we do. why dont we ask what he wants and aim to hit that? seems logical right?
i was just thinking about the things that happened that night... and how it was not necessarily something far out in left field. it was something that was just an extreme of something that exists out in the world so often today. this just gets me thinking... who does our worship exist for. i understand there needs to be this balance. it needs to be good enough that it doesnt hinder worship of others, but i mean how much of that is just catering to our society. we are perfectionists who demand it of everything... including our worship. but its funny worship is not for us. it is something that i think should actually leave us in awe of how insignificant we are apart from God. It is God living in us that makes us anything. so why does our worship have to sound so pleasing to us?
something specific that i was thinking about today was the concept of the sacrificial worship of the old testament. the burnt offering was made as an aroma pleasing to the lord. can you imagine the burning of an animal carcus... that would smell something horrible to us... it hasnt been seasoned or anything like that... and this is burning flesh and hair. not something you would find pleasure in. God looks for something different than we as man do. He sees this offering as beautiful... but to the man giving it... that was the loss of His best calf or whatever the animal happened to be. does that make sense? man... isnt that mind blowing? we need to take selfish selves out of the picture. when we think of worship we should be thinking of pleasing the Lord first and foremost. our lives of worship... pleasing the Lord first and foremost. but NO!!! we dont. what is wrong with us. we say one thing... but when we build something like a worship service... what do we do... we spend the majority of our time concentrating on something like the arrangement or musical excellence. something seems backwards. maybe we should take it back. God doesnt see excellence the same way we do. why dont we ask what he wants and aim to hit that? seems logical right?
Friday, October 03, 2008
what is worship?
so... i just got back from a final senior worship presentation of a couple of my peers. at first, i must say... the music was great. they excelled greatly when it came to the sound of the different songs. this is something they have always been good at... but yet... i was left incredibly disappointed.
i have talked with several others who attended tonight as well... they all seem to also recognize something was missing. when i ask what they think... being music majors, they most say it sounded great musically. yet... something was lacking. it lasted an hour and a half.. and throughout this time... i cant really say i "entered into" worship. there was a spiritual aspect missing. i liken the whole experience to a christian concert. but... what makes it different. i mean... the songs were about God. there seems to be some around me that were worshipping... i looked around often curious of how people were taking to it.
i realize part of me not worshipping tonight is my fault... i need to walk myself always in worship. but gathered together for corporate worship is different than walking in a life of sacrifice for our Father. we must be led as one in worship. but for that... there needs to be more than just religious songs offered up with empty words. each word that was sung... was said... was acted out... i hate to say... was just that alone... there was nothing to it. at one point i stopped singing.. and just sat... i wanted to think about what was happening...
and as i think back... it wasnt worship... at least not of God. it was worship of what man can do. at the beginning there was a professor that spoke and introduced the evening. all this time... he spoke of all the two guys had done. and what they will do... he also talked about how we all are there because we love these two guys and want to see them do well... then... at the end... we got a thank you. it was a thank you not for being a part of a night of worship... but for coming out to support them... that is not what worship should ever be about... these guys became the center of a night of "worship"... this context led to the empty words...
with all this said... i feel further confirmed in my disappointment in my worship education. if a worship student gets anything out of their education it should be that God is always first. and that we must completely give up ourselves to serve our God by worshipping and guiding others into that worship. the musical talent should be second. yes it is important. you want someone who can keep in tune while leading, but it is not to be primary... unfortunately... the musical practical critiques are all we ever get... so... even though we hear we are supposed to be servant... these too become just empty words within our educational context.
so... what is the point of this education? to find out... not how to lead... but the falacies that often come up in the church today... sad excuse for an education...
oh.. one more thing... this angered me today... being told by a professor... you are in college you cant just use the bible to talk about worship... you need to read other books... who are they to say the bible cannot stand alone!
i have talked with several others who attended tonight as well... they all seem to also recognize something was missing. when i ask what they think... being music majors, they most say it sounded great musically. yet... something was lacking. it lasted an hour and a half.. and throughout this time... i cant really say i "entered into" worship. there was a spiritual aspect missing. i liken the whole experience to a christian concert. but... what makes it different. i mean... the songs were about God. there seems to be some around me that were worshipping... i looked around often curious of how people were taking to it.
i realize part of me not worshipping tonight is my fault... i need to walk myself always in worship. but gathered together for corporate worship is different than walking in a life of sacrifice for our Father. we must be led as one in worship. but for that... there needs to be more than just religious songs offered up with empty words. each word that was sung... was said... was acted out... i hate to say... was just that alone... there was nothing to it. at one point i stopped singing.. and just sat... i wanted to think about what was happening...
and as i think back... it wasnt worship... at least not of God. it was worship of what man can do. at the beginning there was a professor that spoke and introduced the evening. all this time... he spoke of all the two guys had done. and what they will do... he also talked about how we all are there because we love these two guys and want to see them do well... then... at the end... we got a thank you. it was a thank you not for being a part of a night of worship... but for coming out to support them... that is not what worship should ever be about... these guys became the center of a night of "worship"... this context led to the empty words...
with all this said... i feel further confirmed in my disappointment in my worship education. if a worship student gets anything out of their education it should be that God is always first. and that we must completely give up ourselves to serve our God by worshipping and guiding others into that worship. the musical talent should be second. yes it is important. you want someone who can keep in tune while leading, but it is not to be primary... unfortunately... the musical practical critiques are all we ever get... so... even though we hear we are supposed to be servant... these too become just empty words within our educational context.
so... what is the point of this education? to find out... not how to lead... but the falacies that often come up in the church today... sad excuse for an education...
oh.. one more thing... this angered me today... being told by a professor... you are in college you cant just use the bible to talk about worship... you need to read other books... who are they to say the bible cannot stand alone!
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
more than fine
as you may recall i wrote a couple blogs ago about saying i am ok... about whether that be truth or not... it is a default for many people.. how are you... i am ok. how are you... im fine. this is an all to common start of conversation. i am guilty of it most of the time... depending on the level of relationship... the more real i get.
well what happens when you talk to those deeper relationship people... i have a few of these... i am one of few really close friends... and i enjoy their company immensely. it is them that true answers come out... it is them that i can be open with... how are you... eh.. how are you... been better... how are you... (a long drawn out rant of things that have gone wrong that day and how you are completely torn up inside..) these are answers... they spark conversations... become the essence of the conversation as a whole. we dont talk about the weather... we dont talk about the game on the tv... (well we do... but not the main part of the conversation)... we dont small talk... we just go.. my hesitancies in the conversation are not due to my fear in what they will think... but my fear that what will come out of my mouth is true... talking to these people... these are the relationships on earth that we live for... not the temporal game playing happy fun seeking ones... yes those are good... but to have more is so much better...
so... as i say this... let me get back to the title of this post... more than fine... i often start singing this or this is your life... are you who you wanna be... as i walk out of the office everyday... these things.. are on my mind a lot... i strive to be more than fine... whatever that takes... more than fine... one day... i would love to be completely honest... and seeing the Lord's healing in my life... to answer my friends with a good. how are you doing? i am good. i am great.. i am at peace. dont we all long for that... to be more than fine... more than just getting by... walking through the motions of life... we all have times in our lives that we just become numb... or at least i think we all do... i know i do... but we become numb and just go from one thing to the next... no thinking or feeling involved... just do what we do... that isnt right... im still in the process of figuring these things out... but.. i know that we are meant to feel... we are meant to more than just do... we are meant to be. and we are meant to BE more than just fine.
whether we are in control of that being... whether we have control over the state of ourselves... that is the question... are we fine because we choose to be... or are we fine because we are being pressed upon and formed and torn down... can one be fine... when they are not really whole?
well what happens when you talk to those deeper relationship people... i have a few of these... i am one of few really close friends... and i enjoy their company immensely. it is them that true answers come out... it is them that i can be open with... how are you... eh.. how are you... been better... how are you... (a long drawn out rant of things that have gone wrong that day and how you are completely torn up inside..) these are answers... they spark conversations... become the essence of the conversation as a whole. we dont talk about the weather... we dont talk about the game on the tv... (well we do... but not the main part of the conversation)... we dont small talk... we just go.. my hesitancies in the conversation are not due to my fear in what they will think... but my fear that what will come out of my mouth is true... talking to these people... these are the relationships on earth that we live for... not the temporal game playing happy fun seeking ones... yes those are good... but to have more is so much better...
so... as i say this... let me get back to the title of this post... more than fine... i often start singing this or this is your life... are you who you wanna be... as i walk out of the office everyday... these things.. are on my mind a lot... i strive to be more than fine... whatever that takes... more than fine... one day... i would love to be completely honest... and seeing the Lord's healing in my life... to answer my friends with a good. how are you doing? i am good. i am great.. i am at peace. dont we all long for that... to be more than fine... more than just getting by... walking through the motions of life... we all have times in our lives that we just become numb... or at least i think we all do... i know i do... but we become numb and just go from one thing to the next... no thinking or feeling involved... just do what we do... that isnt right... im still in the process of figuring these things out... but.. i know that we are meant to feel... we are meant to more than just do... we are meant to be. and we are meant to BE more than just fine.
whether we are in control of that being... whether we have control over the state of ourselves... that is the question... are we fine because we choose to be... or are we fine because we are being pressed upon and formed and torn down... can one be fine... when they are not really whole?
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