desires

so... i am sitting here and just want to write.. you know that feeling you get when all you want to do is say and put forth something that means something.. well... the thing is... i really dont know what it is that i want to say... so this very much might not be what i want to accomplish at all.

communication is a very interesting thing to say the least. it is something someone accomplishes without ever trying and something that can tear things to pieces if not careful. it is done through the spoken word... through the written, much like i am doing right now... through a look... through a smile... through actions... through many things...

i think something that interests me the most... is what is communicated when someone says something... now i know that sounds dumb and self-explanatory... but people often say one thing and mean something completely different... really if you put in all the factors... what one says is rarely the whole truth.. one that i am often guilty of is the infamous ok... which i mean in partialness is true...compared to the state of some people in the world... or even some day that i have had in the past...or inevitably will have... i am ok... but there is so much more than that to that answer

my friends... the ones that know me best... know when that ok is a real genuine ok to me... or if it is more of a general ok... they can read and hear more than just the words that i speak. its amazing... communication and its several levels.. they know i long to be ok... and they know even to a degree why on that day i am not... i have found... it is these types of relationships that are the good ones... when communication exists in this whole other form... when not only the words spoken... but the way in which it is spoken... the expression on my face... and every other thing i cant even think to name... plays together to speak a truth i never thought i would be able to tell them...

something else intrigues me about this topic... is there anything that is devoid of truth.. my lie that i am ok... seems innocent enough... and easy enough to judge as a lie... but can we really say i do not convey some truth in that... i am ok compared to something else... that is one way... and another is when it is in conjunction with something else.. my state... how i am "feeling" if you will... is still conveyed.. and i wonder.. if i really said how i felt... and not just ok... would that communicate as much as my "ok" would with everything else involve... because then it would be more of a word standing by itself.. not so powerful...

due to things i have experienced in my life... i have begun to not trust words alone... i know... who am i to talk right.. but more needs to be there to make those words truth. too many things are assumed these days... and meanings are applied to words out of mear selfish desires... what would happen if we stopped listening to verbal communication and only saw the world around us.. would be interesting wouldnt it... new truths would come out... and old ones would be seen as false.. or would it simply become like our spoken word today? i dont know... but it makes me think.

sitting

so... i have begun my internship and am a few weeks in now. it is very interesting to see how little time i actually have a boss in the office. he spent all last week off somewhere... yesterday he left without telling me that he wasnt going to be here... and then he got back late today. he spent very little time in the office, and now he is heading out again. i dont really know what to do with most of my time... sleeping would be an option... but i dont really know if that is ethical... what do you think? naw.. not ethical. so i sit here... read his emails... work on a database... and talk to people online... it is the talking to people online that keeps me sane. i dont know... as introverted as i am... i still need people around me... i am the only one in this office... and as nice as that can be at times... i get bored... and i get lonely... hmm... i guess that is just how life is right? i guess it gives me as much time as i want with my thoughts... yay! but yeah... so... now i am really tired and have the opportunity to go home... so... i think i am gonna take it... nap here i come!

home

hey everyone... i am home now. i am back in texas after what seemed like a very very long month. i am glad to be back. i am tired and feeling sick. i got sick toward the end of the trip and am still recovering. i still have a pretty bad cough and am pretty out of it all together. but yeah..

so... i found a business internship. that is great for me. i still dont know much about it... but i will know more soon enough i am sure. i start monday and i expect to learn a lot. but ok... i really dont have much to say... i hope to find some rest this summer. i very much need it... i know that... so we will see. till later...

Another Post

so... i have no idea what i am going to say in this thing... but... i have a couple of minutes so... i thought i would at least say something... things are ok. it still really hasnt rained here in ireland... which is very surprising... things are going fine... i am in the last day of the choir portion of the trip. then we move on out to dundrum so that we can do our mission trip in killyleigh... i am not really sure what the next two weeks will look like... things really havent been too planned out or communicated at least... so... really i do not know what the next day will bring. other than that... and getting into things too personal for a blog or really anything for that matter... that is all that is going on... until next time... i big you ado.

Ireland

hey everyone... i am almost sure that no one reads this anymore... seeing as i haven't updated in so long. well... i am now in northern ireland. i am on choir tour here for one more week. it has been good. we have seen a lot of the country side and have sung in a lot of churches. it has been good. a couple cool things that have happened so hard. we were invited to sing in a catholic school. that was really significant seeing as we are very evangelical. they were very welcoming. also... we went to this rope bridge... and right before the bridge we all gathered and sang. it is things like that that i will remember. it was something different. and it wasnt to the people that are already preached to all the time... it was nice. and then the last thing worth mentioning is our recording... we are now entering our 2nd day or recording. we are doing it in st marks church. this is where c.s. lewis grew up. it is a beautiful place. the sound is amazing. the recording sessions are pretty intense... but i think it will be worth it.

other than that... things are going alright... i have to be honest... even though this place is much prettier than jordan... i would choose jordan to go visit any day. there seems to be too much of a disconnect between us and the people here. we just never really get to interact. i am sure the 2nd two week will be better for that... but still... it is kind of sucky. why are we here after all...

and that has me thinking even more... we are calling both parts of this thing a mission trip. what makes me even think i am called into something like this. i think that when one begins to deal with things... it gets hard to realize that you can still be used... i dont know... i wonder if i will be more of a hinderance to the mission part of this.. or a helping... god can speak through troubles... i know this... but i wonder.

What a Week!

so... i just got back from theatre state competition. it was fun. we did really well and it was great actually performing on a real stage... a lot different from that recital hall stage. in all actuality i think we should have won.. but we are a small christian school and we dont have a program... and heck who would let a play with such a strong christian message go through like that... but it was fun. it was definitely interesting trying to live with so many people for a weeks time... i now definitely know that i am an introvert. i was ready to strangle several people before the week was out... but it is ok. that is life right... i am home. i get to relax a little.

i decided while there not to really do any homework... i brought some stuff to read... but that was really it. that was really nice. because of that.. i got the time to rest that was given to us. so i wasnt going going going... and then resting times werent filled with frantic homework. that was really nice... but now that i am back... all that i want to do still is sleep. i think i will probably go to bed early and hope that i dont have anything that i really need to get done... maybe that will be ok... we'll see.

i skipped church for the first time in a long time today. it was nice... got to sleep in. i feel like church has become a task for me to do. i hate that. the way that i have begun to view things regarding God is a little wrong... i need to get away from this task idea. like oh i need to pray today... or oh.. i need to go to church. i need to be a part of this or that... that isnt the focus at all. i want to be one with Him. my focus should be on the desire to be on with my Lord. a part of the great imperfect bridegroom of the perfect groom. so missing church was nice. it helped me to get out of this idea that i need to go. i should go... but not for that reason. so yeah... that is enough of that... until next time

internship and other such things

yeah... so apparently i havent really been posting anything basically ever... not my intention. life has kindof been getting away from me. there are so many things to do or so many things just occupying my thoughts... i just dont even remember this thing exists sometimes. i want to be more solid about this, but i honestly could never promise that. but i will write something now... with the hopes that i will write again later...

so... whats going on in my life.... well... i have been trying to find an internship... i really dont know where it will happen. i have one opportunity in front of me... and it seems like an interesting one. the worship leader at this church is known as the associate pastor of creative arts and communication. i understand his reasoning behind this title. he doesnt want people thinking that worship is just on sunday mornings when he gets up and plays some music... i have a feeling though that me and him would get into some theological arguments.... tasteful ones... yet arguments none the less.... he holds some ideas that go along with this new style known as emerging worship. this is a very interesting concept, and it intrigues me... but i am unsure my thoughts on the entire thing. we are called to bring praise to God with psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs.... yes.. that doesnt and i dont think should be used to exclude other forms of worship, but it shouldnt be ignored either. something he said the other night makes me think this. he told me that worship should be whatever a person is gifted in and talented in being offered up to God, and if there is an entire church of tone deaf people, music should be left out... i think that is a extreme... i mean first of all i dont think it possible to have an entire church of tone deaf people... but the bible specifically calls for us to bring music to the Lord. it is as a pleasing aroma to Him. yes, i am sure we should use everything he have... everything we do in the worhsip of our God... but we shouldnt exclude worship. God doesnt care if the music is in tune... if it is a fantastic show... he just wants to see our hearts poured out on an alter before His feet. there is so much that can be expressed in music that can be said in music... expressions that make corporate worship logical. we can all sing a song to the Lord together, as one body, but we cannot tangibly paint a picture as one to bring it to Him. each person trying will be thinking different things and meaning different things... it wont be the body as one. YES! Paint in Honor of God. DANCE in HIS HONOR. BUILD in HIS HONOR. DO WHAT YOU LOVE IN HIS HONOR. but music is a tool, an offering that is hard to match. and even if there isnt one person in the church that can hold a tune... it is still called for.

but anyway.... i still wonder.... i know there are things there that will stretch me... mold me... and i really honestly dont know how the church functions in its entirety. and i should go at least once before deciding anything... so i will... i just wonder if this is the right place.. can i be a creative arts intern... i dont know... that is interesting to me.... it provokes a lot of thoughts as i am sure you can tell.. :) but alright... whatelse is going....

i am currently trying to figure out my rooming situation for next year.... i think i am almost there.... my current roommate still might be my roommate for next year... but i just dont know how it would work... she might move to this thing called the ministry house... which would mean i need to find another roommate... which i am currently trying to do... it is kind of stressful... but ok... i know i will get it all handled... i am just trying to get some loose ends worked out.... it should be fine.... but yeah... thats about it... maybe i will post again... soon enough.