so... at this stage in my life... i find a complete paradox taking place. everything seems to be happening all at once... yet... i am in the most stagnant state i think i have ever experienced. i am desperately trying to find my place. who am i? where am i supposed to be? what is my next step? all of these questions are being done while i am placed completely still in the middle of my own life.
i know this state is soon to come to an end... and to be honest... i am completely thrilled about that. i cant wait for what is to come. i am excited about the things i may face along the way. the hard stuff i think even more than the easy. the hard stuff is what has made me who i am. hard builds character. easy just brings momentary satisfaction... if even that. i look forward to being tested and molded. i must admit... i do not yet see who i am to be after God has finished... or even when He is well on His way with His work in me. but there is one thing i can say. i cant wait to meet her. i cant wait to see the person i become. i cant wait to see how much i will reflect His glory. i know it is a long way off. i see that every step of the way. with every struggle i encounter.. every sin i commit... i see just another part of me that is nothing like Him.
yet... there are times that i see myself get so excited about something that seems so simple... something i know is completely out of my flesh. those times... i nearly cry with joy as i see myself reflecting what i never thought i would see in this life time. i am but a humble sinner. there are parts of me... well most of me... that i hate. sin overwhelms me at times. even the smallest sin contaminates the whole. but then i remember... even the smallest speck of light... lights up my entire being. i am a sinner... yet i am redeemed. i dont have to really concentrate on the sin like the ancient israelites. no... i must concentrate on that small speck of light. with that.... the glory of God will become so bright with His glory that i will have to veil my face just as moses.
Dear Father,
help me to keep my focus. my flesh is still a part of me, but i know You can remove even that from my being. Lord, i am Yours. i desire to do that which my Master wishes me to do. yet there are times that i do not do what i want to do and do do what i do not want to do. You love me anyway though. You have redeemed me. You have rescued me. to You i owe you my life. focus my mind completely on You. help me to realize what it truly means to be Yours.
in Your holy Son's name,
Amen.
I am but a sinner. and that is not ok. but something i realize. life goes on. our sins are just that. sin. if we focus on them. they take us over. if we focus on something greater. the sin is no longer controlling. if our minds belong to the Father... then even the smallest thought outside His desires is sin... we are all fallen... but He still loves us... and wants the best for us... aint it great?
i dont know about you... but that love... makes it so much easier to fix my mind on Him. just cant allow yourself.. myself... to forget that love.
