The Heart of a Sinful Christian

So... I have a little bit of time to spare. I thought what could I do with this time? Well of course.. write on my obscure blog that no one in their right minds would read. Excellent use of my time. If you happen to be one of those people who are not in their right minds... nothing personal. I just do not believe I am really anyone with anything to say worth reading.

 For instance... today when I sat down to write this article I had no real topic in mind. I guess my mind has really been quite full this week and for once I am getting to rest, mentally and physically. This week could very well go down in history for many reasons.. some of which I do not know... some of which have national and personal significance. I am no where near what one would call a political activist. In fact, I am somewhat of a bystander that just hopes for the best. However, this week I could not help but get emotionally interested in the cases before the Supreme Court. I do not doubt that most people in the nation became, to some degree, interested in one way or another. Some are eagerly trying to protect the traditions established through the church, others are hopingly reaching for the opportunity to be seen as equal in the eyes of the state. In the great scheme of things, I really can't help but think are these things really all that in opposition to each other.

 Church and state are, in this country, separate. This is something designed to protect both the church and the government/people. Problems arise when people seek to put the two back together when it is of benefit to them. The government is not in charge of the church, nor is the church in charge of the government. If the government allows gay marriage that is not mandating that the church recognize them, just that the state does.

It confuses me why this topic arouses such heated arguments. I am not saying that the Christian view should not be advocated, yet I am saying there is no place for the tactics used. Many arguments I have heard from the Christian standpoint are ones that convey "we have to stand strong because we are going to lose something." What I ask is this.. what do Christians.. or Christians and others against gay marriage.. have to lose if this right is granted to gays? I completely see what gays have to gain, but what is it that anyone has to lose?

I am not writing this to advocate one way or another. I do not find that is my job. I have my predictions, but that is all. I honestly feel somewhat in the middle of this argument. I have desires for my life that will be greatly affected by the decisions likely to be handed down in June. At the same time, I have fairly strong religious beliefs.. It is something that is not easily balanced.. something full of questions that I do not know the answers to. But hey.. that is something for me to work through.

The point of this post (now that I actually have a train of thought) is to communicate how powerful words are. They should be used carefully. However, both in this national realm as well as my personal realm, people have not so carefully spoken. Facebook causes people to speak more boldly... and quite frankly stupidly. It is not what you believe, nor is it the communication of those beliefs that are bad. We all have beliefs. We all have things that affect us.. that we are passionate about. It is just the way people say things. It causes a lot of people pain. This is on both sides of the argument. But, people do not understand words not spoken wisely cause pain. I can convey to someone a concept which is personal to them in a way that causes deep pain or in a way that may be uncomfortable but foster communication. Which is better? I know I would rather the latter. Too many people are backing others in a corner over this topic. This causes other to lash out and all hope of real conversation is greatly diminished.

People also must realize that not everyone has the same ability to speak into another's life. Relationships foster tough conversations. They make them possible. A complete stranger.. or even someone you have known a long time yet have not had real conversation with for a long time... causes damage when trying to communicate their concerns for another's life. My sin and sins of others are not things that can really be addressed by people I do not know or more so those I do not feel know me. Those who know me or attempt to know me, show more than just an agenda. They show that it is about more than something they disagree with... they show that it is about me as a person.

With this I want to say. I am open. I want to talk. I want to hear what you have to say. But please realize I am human, just as I realize you are. We all have our crap. I am not going to pretend to have it all figured out, but I just wish others came in to a conversation with similar humility. Convictions are one thing, but please understand none of us have everything right.

clerkships

so.... i am writing again. i haven't really written in a long LONG time. i suppose school gets too busy, and i really never figured i had anything worth writing about. to be honest, i still do not have anything worth writing about. so... generic blog post coming up! whoever happens to read.... be forewarned! as anyone who would take the few minutes needed to read this blog knows, i have been in law school for the past two years. the time has finally approached for applying for judicial clerkships. this is something i have been looking forward to for at least the past year probably 2. the closer it gets and the more i think about it... the more excited i get about the opportunity. the prospect of ending up anywhere in the united states is such an awesome idea. a year or two with the prospect of choosing to stay there forever is an adventure i can't wait to dive into. with that said, i have one thing standing in my way. my nemesis if you will... the dreaded cover letter. people who know me know i am not the best at selling myself. yes, i may have plenty to offer (or so i have been told), but there is something about telling others they should hire me (or at least interview me) because i am good at such and such and blah blah blah. it seems so artificial. it is hard to say anything that will clearly make me stand out. i wish i could just put myself in the envelop and say here... i am this person. now you dont have to guess based on some very generic, 5000 other people put this, words. and you know what... RANT TIME!!... it is probably the people who are best at writing these cover letters that you dont want to work with... just saying... i mean that probably reflects on the personality a little. just saying... rant over. :) but job this week. finish cover letter. apply for wicked awesome clerkships. and PRAY.

unknown

i sit
i stare
i laugh
i cry

what happens next
i dont know
what happens now
i dont know
what happened then...
i still dont know

i run forward
full force but timid
timid of where my foot lands
timid of where my foot is

timidity is wrong though
so i run hard
it wont stop me
yet i still long to know
to know why

go left
walk right
bow down
stand up

i must do
but i mustn't question
i must meditate
but i mustn't think

easy said
hard to do

do
don't try
leave
don't stay
win
don't lose

already won
but still must run
race still going

tired
but rested
unknown
but peaceful
scarred
but healed

all that matters is known
yet
minds chase

understanding wanted
understanding of why
whys aren't for me

running is for me
tiredness
each step
becomes rest
peace

all other things
i must leave
unknown

lonesome town

im finding myself getting really lonely lately. i miss friends. i miss what had become my home. four years in one place and now i am gone. yes... now i am back in a place that i have spent much more than 4 years... ive lived in texas for the past 22 years... or at least this has been my permanent location. school however became my home. this past year i had my own place. i had neighbors. it was home. now i am sitting in a bed that doesnt belong to me... that i am very grateful to be given... but still feel lacking. i love my friends here. but im sad to say... there is no one my age that i hang out with here anymore. my brother and his wife are the closest, but they are family... not exactly the same.

i do like being back... and i know it is a good place for me... but i am missing the human interaction. i try to keep myself busy.. but the time still passes slowly. i guess what it comes down to is... i miss my friends. i miss them all. i even miss my bosses. and the thought that those people arent coming back ever.. except for periodic visits... really really saddens me. i know they will forever be a part of my life... in one way or another. everyone i have come in contact with has in part made me who i am today. God will continuously shape me with the situations, things, and people around me.

there are seasons in our lives... and my time in undergrad is over. i find myself thinking about the next stage.. still unsure of things but trying to step out the directions i believe God is placing my passions. my face has hit by several slamming doors... and i have no doubt that will continue to happen. but eventually i will step the way God desires... and i am sure i will flinch... but amazingly... it wont hit. i will continue walking as far as His little lamp lets me see. but until that point... i have a feeling... i am lonely for a reason. i am being taught something i am sure. what... still not sure. but i am learning that well... we cant always know.

a humble confession.

so... at this stage in my life... i find a complete paradox taking place. everything seems to be happening all at once... yet... i am in the most stagnant state i think i have ever experienced. i am desperately trying to find my place. who am i? where am i supposed to be? what is my next step? all of these questions are being done while i am placed completely still in the middle of my own life.

i know this state is soon to come to an end... and to be honest... i am completely thrilled about that. i cant wait for what is to come. i am excited about the things i may face along the way. the hard stuff i think even more than the easy. the hard stuff is what has made me who i am. hard builds character. easy just brings momentary satisfaction... if even that. i look forward to being tested and molded. i must admit... i do not yet see who i am to be after God has finished... or even when He is well on His way with His work in me. but there is one thing i can say. i cant wait to meet her. i cant wait to see the person i become. i cant wait to see how much i will reflect His glory. i know it is a long way off. i see that every step of the way. with every struggle i encounter.. every sin i commit... i see just another part of me that is nothing like Him.

yet... there are times that i see myself get so excited about something that seems so simple... something i know is completely out of my flesh. those times... i nearly cry with joy as i see myself reflecting what i never thought i would see in this life time. i am but a humble sinner. there are parts of me... well most of me... that i hate. sin overwhelms me at times. even the smallest sin contaminates the whole. but then i remember... even the smallest speck of light... lights up my entire being. i am a sinner... yet i am redeemed. i dont have to really concentrate on the sin like the ancient israelites. no... i must concentrate on that small speck of light. with that.... the glory of God will become so bright with His glory that i will have to veil my face just as moses.

Dear Father,

help me to keep my focus. my flesh is still a part of me, but i know You can remove even that from my being. Lord, i am Yours. i desire to do that which my Master wishes me to do. yet there are times that i do not do what i want to do and do do what i do not want to do. You love me anyway though. You have redeemed me. You have rescued me. to You i owe you my life. focus my mind completely on You. help me to realize what it truly means to be Yours.

in Your holy Son's name,

Amen.


I am but a sinner. and that is not ok. but something i realize. life goes on. our sins are just that. sin. if we focus on them. they take us over. if we focus on something greater. the sin is no longer controlling. if our minds belong to the Father... then even the smallest thought outside His desires is sin... we are all fallen... but He still loves us... and wants the best for us... aint it great?

i dont know about you... but that love... makes it so much easier to fix my mind on Him. just cant allow yourself.. myself... to forget that love.

a choir united?

so.. i have been doing a lot of thinking about the cathedral choir. we just got off of tour. and every night before we our concert, we would have devotionals. last year i thought these were a little weak, but at least decent. this is a time that helps us as a group focus on why we are there. it is not about the music. it is not about a specific section being perfect or about the people in the "audience." we are united to worship God and lead people in worship of Him.

now when i ask people throughout the choir, they will give that as their answer. they know why we are united. they know what our purpose is. but the problem is... the devos... especially this year.. were rarely about God. they never focused my mind on Him. instead i found people focusing on the choir. talking about how great the choir was... or how much it has meant to them. devos just yesterday before our concert, were all about how much tour meant to us. and how we are eternally thankful for our director, our choir president, and our choir. something just doesnt seem right.

at the end of songs, mr smith generally greets applause with recognizing the choir and then pointing up toward the ceiling... this is him telling the applause need not be for us... but to our God. He is who we are there to honor.

i guess i just wonder... why the one time when our choir is united to focus our minds on God... do we do everything but? are we really united? and if we are.. are we united for the right thing?

ethics

so... i have this new profs in one of my classes... he isnt new... like he has been teaching at the school for a while... but he is new to the class. we used to have this great teacher, but due to the fallen nature of man... he got sick and had to step down from the class for at least the remainder of this semester... so we got stuck with a new prof. this guy is the same one who taught my business law class. so... now we have a law prof teaching an ethics class. am i the only one that sees potential for not great things?

dont get me wrong... we do live in a fallen world, therefore we can justify rightly the need for law. however, ethics is above law. law needs to be upheld within ethics, but i like to think of law being the minimum requirement. now... what do you do when the law is not governing a certain aspect? who knows? this is a place where ethics comes into play.

well... after a few week with this prof... i am seeing some very bad things come of the class. we learned under the previous prof that when you see something not going well... you shouldnt just bail out... but instead try to step up and change things... make them more ethical. well when in the first day of classes under this new prof... in an ethic class no less... i hear cheating on homework i dont consider unethical.. because it is so small... i start second guessing things. red flags started flying up everywhere. especially since just the week before that we were learning that no matter how small it may seem.. we have to hold our ethical stance... because a small hole can become very large over time. well if you did this... this is ok... and then this is ok... then this... then this... etc. soon.. you are claiming something falsely on an income statement... and you are $1 million dollars richer.

doesnt seem like that bad for such a great reward... cost-benefit tells me it is worth it. i mean what are you risking... a few years in jail... restitutions after settlements of like $500,000? shoot... one lie and a couple years just got me a decent paycheck. these are the kind of things i see the class slipping to. and to be honest myself at times. i hate it. i learned last class that if you can state it in a way that is beneficial... then even the worst thing can be ok. justification makes something ok... now that doesnt seem right. but when i speak up about it... what do i get? i get well sarah... make the best out of it... or this is what i am trying to do?

well i am sorry... you may be trying to do the best thing in the world... but if you arent... and you are raising up a group of unethical leaders... something needs to change. but i keep getting told to back down... or tough it out. doesnt seem right to me. i want out of the class at this point. but they wont let me. so... to avoid causing more problems or disrupting everyone elses "learning".. i have concluded that numbing my mind and sitting there quiet is the best solution to the problem. everytime i bring up anything... anger just builds... i shouldnt be angry... i know.. that is not a fruit of the spirit.. but one of the flesh... if i just sit the anger is gone... but when i try to handle any situation that arises in the class... like a poorly graded assignment.. or anything like that... then i just start to get angry... and attempt to walk away...

i honestly just hate to see this class going so poorly. i loved being challenged by the other professor. now i am just blindly memorizing what i need for the test. another class that is a waste of money. goodbye favorite class of the semester... and hello waste of money.