Giving In

unknown

2009-10-12T16:26:00.000-07:00

i sit
i stare
i laugh
i cry

what happens next
i dont know
what happens now
i dont know
what happened then...
i still dont know

i run forward
full force but timid
timid of where my foot lands
timid of where my foot is

timidity is wrong though
so i run hard
it wont stop me
yet i still long to know
to know why

go left
walk right
bow down
stand up

i must do
but i mustn't question
i must meditate
but i mustn't think

easy said
hard to do

do
don't try
leave
don't stay
win
don't lose

already won
but still must run
race still going

tired
but rested
unknown
but peaceful
scarred
but healed

all that matters is known
yet
minds chase

understanding wanted
understanding of why
whys aren't for me

running is for me
tiredness
each step
becomes rest
peace

all other things
i must leave
unknown

lonesome town

2009-07-20T21:29:00.000-07:00

im finding myself getting really lonely lately. i miss friends. i miss what had become my home. four years in one place and now i am gone. yes... now i am back in a place that i have spent much more than 4 years... ive lived in texas for the past 22 years... or at least this has been my permanent location. school however became my home. this past year i had my own place. i had neighbors. it was home. now i am sitting in a bed that doesnt belong to me... that i am very grateful to be given... but still feel lacking. i love my friends here. but im sad to say... there is no one my age that i hang out with here anymore. my brother and his wife are the closest, but they are family... not exactly the same.

i do like being back... and i know it is a good place for me... but i am missing the human interaction. i try to keep myself busy.. but the time still passes slowly. i guess what it comes down to is... i miss my friends. i miss them all. i even miss my bosses. and the thought that those people arent coming back ever.. except for periodic visits... really really saddens me. i know they will forever be a part of my life... in one way or another. everyone i have come in contact with has in part made me who i am today. God will continuously shape me with the situations, things, and people around me.

there are seasons in our lives... and my time in undergrad is over. i find myself thinking about the next stage.. still unsure of things but trying to step out the directions i believe God is placing my passions. my face has hit by several slamming doors... and i have no doubt that will continue to happen. but eventually i will step the way God desires... and i am sure i will flinch... but amazingly... it wont hit. i will continue walking as far as His little lamp lets me see. but until that point... i have a feeling... i am lonely for a reason. i am being taught something i am sure. what... still not sure. but i am learning that well... we cant always know.

a humble confession.

2009-06-18T22:19:00.000-07:00

so... at this stage in my life... i find a complete paradox taking place. everything seems to be happening all at once... yet... i am in the most stagnant state i think i have ever experienced. i am desperately trying to find my place. who am i? where am i supposed to be? what is my next step? all of these questions are being done while i am placed completely still in the middle of my own life.

i know this state is soon to come to an end... and to be honest... i am completely thrilled about that. i cant wait for what is to come. i am excited about the things i may face along the way. the hard stuff i think even more than the easy. the hard stuff is what has made me who i am. hard builds character. easy just brings momentary satisfaction... if even that. i look forward to being tested and molded. i must admit... i do not yet see who i am to be after God has finished... or even when He is well on His way with His work in me. but there is one thing i can say. i cant wait to meet her. i cant wait to see the person i become. i cant wait to see how much i will reflect His glory. i know it is a long way off. i see that every step of the way. with every struggle i encounter.. every sin i commit... i see just another part of me that is nothing like Him.

yet... there are times that i see myself get so excited about something that seems so simple... something i know is completely out of my flesh. those times... i nearly cry with joy as i see myself reflecting what i never thought i would see in this life time. i am but a humble sinner. there are parts of me... well most of me... that i hate. sin overwhelms me at times. even the smallest sin contaminates the whole. but then i remember... even the smallest speck of light... lights up my entire being. i am a sinner... yet i am redeemed. i dont have to really concentrate on the sin like the ancient israelites. no... i must concentrate on that small speck of light. with that.... the glory of God will become so bright with His glory that i will have to veil my face just as moses.

Dear Father,

help me to keep my focus. my flesh is still a part of me, but i know You can remove even that from my being. Lord, i am Yours. i desire to do that which my Master wishes me to do. yet there are times that i do not do what i want to do and do do what i do not want to do. You love me anyway though. You have redeemed me. You have rescued me. to You i owe you my life. focus my mind completely on You. help me to realize what it truly means to be Yours.

in Your holy Son's name,

Amen.

I am but a sinner. and that is not ok. but something i realize. life goes on. our sins are just that. sin. if we focus on them. they take us over. if we focus on something greater. the sin is no longer controlling. if our minds belong to the Father... then even the smallest thought outside His desires is sin... we are all fallen... but He still loves us... and wants the best for us... aint it great?

i dont know about you... but that love... makes it so much easier to fix my mind on Him. just cant allow yourself.. myself... to forget that love.

a choir united?

2009-04-01T13:21:00.000-07:00

so.. i have been doing a lot of thinking about the cathedral choir. we just got off of tour. and every night before we our concert, we would have devotionals. last year i thought these were a little weak, but at least decent. this is a time that helps us as a group focus on why we are there. it is not about the music. it is not about a specific section being perfect or about the people in the "audience." we are united to worship God and lead people in worship of Him.

now when i ask people throughout the choir, they will give that as their answer. they know why we are united. they know what our purpose is. but the problem is... the devos... especially this year.. were rarely about God. they never focused my mind on Him. instead i found people focusing on the choir. talking about how great the choir was... or how much it has meant to them. devos just yesterday before our concert, were all about how much tour meant to us. and how we are eternally thankful for our director, our choir president, and our choir. something just doesnt seem right.

at the end of songs, mr smith generally greets applause with recognizing the choir and then pointing up toward the ceiling... this is him telling the applause need not be for us... but to our God. He is who we are there to honor.

i guess i just wonder... why the one time when our choir is united to focus our minds on God... do we do everything but? are we really united? and if we are.. are we united for the right thing?

ethics

2009-03-18T13:33:00.000-07:00

so... i have this new profs in one of my classes... he isnt new... like he has been teaching at the school for a while... but he is new to the class. we used to have this great teacher, but due to the fallen nature of man... he got sick and had to step down from the class for at least the remainder of this semester... so we got stuck with a new prof. this guy is the same one who taught my business law class. so... now we have a law prof teaching an ethics class. am i the only one that sees potential for not great things?

dont get me wrong... we do live in a fallen world, therefore we can justify rightly the need for law. however, ethics is above law. law needs to be upheld within ethics, but i like to think of law being the minimum requirement. now... what do you do when the law is not governing a certain aspect? who knows? this is a place where ethics comes into play.

well... after a few week with this prof... i am seeing some very bad things come of the class. we learned under the previous prof that when you see something not going well... you shouldnt just bail out... but instead try to step up and change things... make them more ethical. well when in the first day of classes under this new prof... in an ethic class no less... i hear cheating on homework i dont consider unethical.. because it is so small... i start second guessing things. red flags started flying up everywhere. especially since just the week before that we were learning that no matter how small it may seem.. we have to hold our ethical stance... because a small hole can become very large over time. well if you did this... this is ok... and then this is ok... then this... then this... etc. soon.. you are claiming something falsely on an income statement... and you are $1 million dollars richer.

doesnt seem like that bad for such a great reward... cost-benefit tells me it is worth it. i mean what are you risking... a few years in jail... restitutions after settlements of like $500,000? shoot... one lie and a couple years just got me a decent paycheck. these are the kind of things i see the class slipping to. and to be honest myself at times. i hate it. i learned last class that if you can state it in a way that is beneficial... then even the worst thing can be ok. justification makes something ok... now that doesnt seem right. but when i speak up about it... what do i get? i get well sarah... make the best out of it... or this is what i am trying to do?

well i am sorry... you may be trying to do the best thing in the world... but if you arent... and you are raising up a group of unethical leaders... something needs to change. but i keep getting told to back down... or tough it out. doesnt seem right to me. i want out of the class at this point. but they wont let me. so... to avoid causing more problems or disrupting everyone elses "learning".. i have concluded that numbing my mind and sitting there quiet is the best solution to the problem. everytime i bring up anything... anger just builds... i shouldnt be angry... i know.. that is not a fruit of the spirit.. but one of the flesh... if i just sit the anger is gone... but when i try to handle any situation that arises in the class... like a poorly graded assignment.. or anything like that... then i just start to get angry... and attempt to walk away...

i honestly just hate to see this class going so poorly. i loved being challenged by the other professor. now i am just blindly memorizing what i need for the test. another class that is a waste of money. goodbye favorite class of the semester... and hello waste of money.

health

2009-02-26T19:25:00.001-08:00

so... i havent been feeling well.. that is no real big news to some. i feel like everytime i turn around i need to go back into the doctor... we are still trying to figure out what is exactly wrong with me. they think it is this thing called diabetes insipidus.. no that is not regular diabetes.. it has nothing to do with my blood sugar or insulin levels.. it has to do with your pituitary gland or your kidneys. depending on what type you have... well... like i said... i may or i may not have this. i have had to do a lot of medical tests... blood and the like... they are fairly sure now that they will do this thing called a water deprivation test... not too excited about that at all. it is the crappiest test on the face of the planet. i drink a lot of water a day. generally i am always carrying my nalgene with me. if i get to sit for a second and just drink... that nalgene will be downed very quickly... and i will have to go fill it again. this test just takes the water away from you... NOT FUN. i am playing the waiting game now.... when the doctor calls.. then we go from there... if not.. then yay!

i really dont like waiting... it seems i am being asked to do a lot of it lately.. normally i dont have a problem with it... like one thing here or there... i can wait... i am generally a patient person... but when everything around you is saying wait... and they are all generally large things.. it gets rather annoying and nerve wracking... i understand i should be trusting God. and i am trying... it is just hard sometimes. i guess that is why they call it trust... and faith... if it wasnt so hard... then it wouldnt be the same at all.

beautiful destruction

2009-01-29T11:42:00.000-08:00

so... for those of you who dont know... i am living in the middle of a disaster zone. earlier this week a sheet of ice planted itself all over the city. tuesday i went out to the car and there was about an inch separating me from my windshield. there was also icicles making it very very hard to get into the car. i had to break this wall of ice just to get in and turn on the defroster... like that was actually gonna help. well... after about 40 minutes... i got it uncovered enough that i felt it ok to drive... well... that was the least awful day of the week...

tuesday afternoon i sat and watched trees topple over as i was taking the new slate of ice off of my car. i feared as i drove and heard small twigs hit my car. when i got home... i walked inside and there i sat for the next 2 days. JBU for the first time in history cancelled classes on wednesday. we were encouraged to stay inside. power was lost all throughout the state. the place was really a disaster...

but this morning as i went outside... because jbu can never cancel 2 days of class... that would be crazy... i go out to my car... get into it after a couple of knocks to remove some ice... and try to start it up... its dead... oh joy... well... i had to get up to school for a voice lesson... so i take off walking.

as i walked i saw amazing things. things were destroyed. trees fallen on powerlines. people unable to leave their house because of powerlines draped across their driveway. but you look up and see the light shining through the ice. it was beautiful. throughout the destruction... there was still beauty.

it is kind of like fire... a forest fire kills off so much... but it leaves the land so fertile and ready for life. it is a beautiful thing. God may have times that things dont always look the greatest... outlook on our end may seem bleak... but it always leads to something more beautiful than we could have ever planned...

What was the dream?

2009-01-19T16:18:00.000-08:00

so... we had a speaker come into chapel... of course he was black. it seems funny to me... i think back to all that i have learned every year on this day about martin luther king jr. what did he teach... he didnt teach equality of the races at all... he taught that race wouldnt matter. it would be the content of the character that mattered. and that is basically what the guy said. he made a lot of comments about how he gets asked to speak on MLK day because he is a black preacher and all that. but how he always changes his topic to something more universal.

well.. something i thought was funny that happened yesterday that is very relavent to what the guy talked about tonight was something i saw on tv yesterday. i was watching lean on me on BET. a commercial came on that was for obama... it wasnt all that surprising that i saw it... but then it was talking about inaguration and had this figure that looked a lot like MLK out in the crowd. the guy was watching obama swearing into office. and then at the end it said a dream come true... or a dream realized or something like that. i almost turned off the tv... now i am not a racist... yeah... i have some strong feelings sometimes... but not about the people but some of the crap that has come out of reconciliation. i dont agree with affirmative action or anything that says one person should be held above another just because people of their "kind" had it rough in the past. well i got to thinking during chapel today as to why that made me not very happy seeing that on the tv. and now i know.

that was not the dream at all. the dream was that one race wouldnt be held over another... but it seems that there is something special about a black person being elected president. you know i will give you that yes. it is historic. but it is nothing that should be really treated like a dream has been realized... saying that in itself tells me that it has not been realized. on the contrary we are still very far from it. we are still looking at the color of the skin. we have just switched it around. we have a race picking a president just because he is black.

im sorry mr. martin luther king... your dream is just as far from being realized as ever.

longing for what i run from

2008-12-21T11:39:00.000-08:00

those that know me best know that i am always busy. i often complain about the sheer quantity of things that i have to do... but... i strategically make my life out to be busy... why do i do this? why do i think that i have the right to complain about anything...

throughout my busyness.. i always find myself longing for some relaxation... but i am so unwilling to do anything that will get me that..

time is something that is i long for... but run from as fast as i can... time means thoughts... time means struggles... time means sin.... well it shouldnt always mean that... but it seems to at this stage in life... i know i should be giving myself more time... that way i can learn how to handle it.. but sometimes i just dont think i am able to...

do you ever find yourself running from things that are healthy for one reason or another.... generally because of fear... i know i do... this is only one example. i am now out of school for about a month... i have nothing to preoccupy my mind... i am just here. gotta think... gotta process... gotta deal...

An Aroma Pleasing to Who?

2008-10-15T21:28:00.000-07:00

i was just thinking about my last post... if you havent read it, you might want to just to know where i am coming from with this.

i was just thinking about the things that happened that night... and how it was not necessarily something far out in left field. it was something that was just an extreme of something that exists out in the world so often today. this just gets me thinking... who does our worship exist for. i understand there needs to be this balance. it needs to be good enough that it doesnt hinder worship of others, but i mean how much of that is just catering to our society. we are perfectionists who demand it of everything... including our worship. but its funny worship is not for us. it is something that i think should actually leave us in awe of how insignificant we are apart from God. It is God living in us that makes us anything. so why does our worship have to sound so pleasing to us?

something specific that i was thinking about today was the concept of the sacrificial worship of the old testament. the burnt offering was made as an aroma pleasing to the lord. can you imagine the burning of an animal carcus... that would smell something horrible to us... it hasnt been seasoned or anything like that... and this is burning flesh and hair. not something you would find pleasure in. God looks for something different than we as man do. He sees this offering as beautiful... but to the man giving it... that was the loss of His best calf or whatever the animal happened to be. does that make sense? man... isnt that mind blowing? we need to take selfish selves out of the picture. when we think of worship we should be thinking of pleasing the Lord first and foremost. our lives of worship... pleasing the Lord first and foremost. but NO!!! we dont. what is wrong with us. we say one thing... but when we build something like a worship service... what do we do... we spend the majority of our time concentrating on something like the arrangement or musical excellence. something seems backwards. maybe we should take it back. God doesnt see excellence the same way we do. why dont we ask what he wants and aim to hit that? seems logical right?

what is worship?

2008-10-03T20:20:00.000-07:00

so... i just got back from a final senior worship presentation of a couple of my peers. at first, i must say... the music was great. they excelled greatly when it came to the sound of the different songs. this is something they have always been good at... but yet... i was left incredibly disappointed.

i have talked with several others who attended tonight as well... they all seem to also recognize something was missing. when i ask what they think... being music majors, they most say it sounded great musically. yet... something was lacking. it lasted an hour and a half.. and throughout this time... i cant really say i "entered into" worship. there was a spiritual aspect missing. i liken the whole experience to a christian concert. but... what makes it different. i mean... the songs were about God. there seems to be some around me that were worshipping... i looked around often curious of how people were taking to it.

i realize part of me not worshipping tonight is my fault... i need to walk myself always in worship. but gathered together for corporate worship is different than walking in a life of sacrifice for our Father. we must be led as one in worship. but for that... there needs to be more than just religious songs offered up with empty words. each word that was sung... was said... was acted out... i hate to say... was just that alone... there was nothing to it. at one point i stopped singing.. and just sat... i wanted to think about what was happening...

and as i think back... it wasnt worship... at least not of God. it was worship of what man can do. at the beginning there was a professor that spoke and introduced the evening. all this time... he spoke of all the two guys had done. and what they will do... he also talked about how we all are there because we love these two guys and want to see them do well... then... at the end... we got a thank you. it was a thank you not for being a part of a night of worship... but for coming out to support them... that is not what worship should ever be about... these guys became the center of a night of "worship"... this context led to the empty words...

with all this said... i feel further confirmed in my disappointment in my worship education. if a worship student gets anything out of their education it should be that God is always first. and that we must completely give up ourselves to serve our God by worshipping and guiding others into that worship. the musical talent should be second. yes it is important. you want someone who can keep in tune while leading, but it is not to be primary... unfortunately... the musical practical critiques are all we ever get... so... even though we hear we are supposed to be servant... these too become just empty words within our educational context.

so... what is the point of this education? to find out... not how to lead... but the falacies that often come up in the church today... sad excuse for an education...

oh.. one more thing... this angered me today... being told by a professor... you are in college you cant just use the bible to talk about worship... you need to read other books... who are they to say the bible cannot stand alone!

more than fine

2008-07-22T12:05:00.000-07:00

as you may recall i wrote a couple blogs ago about saying i am ok... about whether that be truth or not... it is a default for many people.. how are you... i am ok. how are you... im fine. this is an all to common start of conversation. i am guilty of it most of the time... depending on the level of relationship... the more real i get.

well what happens when you talk to those deeper relationship people... i have a few of these... i am one of few really close friends... and i enjoy their company immensely. it is them that true answers come out... it is them that i can be open with... how are you... eh.. how are you... been better... how are you... (a long drawn out rant of things that have gone wrong that day and how you are completely torn up inside..) these are answers... they spark conversations... become the essence of the conversation as a whole. we dont talk about the weather... we dont talk about the game on the tv... (well we do... but not the main part of the conversation)... we dont small talk... we just go.. my hesitancies in the conversation are not due to my fear in what they will think... but my fear that what will come out of my mouth is true... talking to these people... these are the relationships on earth that we live for... not the temporal game playing happy fun seeking ones... yes those are good... but to have more is so much better...

so... as i say this... let me get back to the title of this post... more than fine... i often start singing this or this is your life... are you who you wanna be... as i walk out of the office everyday... these things.. are on my mind a lot... i strive to be more than fine... whatever that takes... more than fine... one day... i would love to be completely honest... and seeing the Lord's healing in my life... to answer my friends with a good. how are you doing? i am good. i am great.. i am at peace. dont we all long for that... to be more than fine... more than just getting by... walking through the motions of life... we all have times in our lives that we just become numb... or at least i think we all do... i know i do... but we become numb and just go from one thing to the next... no thinking or feeling involved... just do what we do... that isnt right... im still in the process of figuring these things out... but.. i know that we are meant to feel... we are meant to more than just do... we are meant to be. and we are meant to BE more than just fine.

whether we are in control of that being... whether we have control over the state of ourselves... that is the question... are we fine because we choose to be... or are we fine because we are being pressed upon and formed and torn down... can one be fine... when they are not really whole?

apart from fear

2008-07-17T11:50:00.000-07:00

recently... i have been recognizing reasons behind what i do... and who i have become... there are things... especially lately that have required me to decide things... for those of you that know me well... you know that i am not a good decision maker... it is very hard for me to make up my mind on even the smallest thing... sometimes i think it is good to be careful when making a decision... others... like the majority of the time... i just tend to overanalyze. what i have been noticing is the reason i tend to overanalyze... i am a very fearful person... what is there to fear right? well... there could be plenty to fear... the fear of making the wrong decision is something that often comes up in my mind... to choose one means you could be choosing the wrong one... one would think... well. that could be a noble fear... well not when trying to simply decide which kind of popcorn to pop for a party... cheesy or buttery... its crippling. how can someone walk forward when all they think about is what if they walk the wrong way..

more recently however.. i have been afraid of concequences... this is more specific than just the wrong decision. i am not just saying bad concequences... i think in our eyes... the eyes of man... either choice can bring both bad and good concequences.. i weigh these things like crazy when it comes to making a decision. well if i do this.. then this... if i dont... then this... this could make me happy... but it could also cause some long term damage... well... again... is that all that bad... think through things... we were given a mind... well... i have been thinking lately... yes... funny... because i am about to go against thinking... kind of a paradox. yes we are given a mind... but i dont think it was given for us to overanalyze. if it were... then.. how would we ever allow the Lord to guide... analyzing is done through our own minds... through our own eyes... what good is seeing through our own eyes when our master is guiding us already with his all seeing perfect eye.

now... again... i say these things... and i mean them... but.. i am a long way away from making them 100% in my life... practicum is different than head/word knowledge. i am trying not to allow fear to control... but i am afraid that sometimes... after thinking on something so long... that your mind gets clouded... it becomes hard to see what you wish to see... i want to keep man's guidance... and my own thoughts and fears out of a decision. that just leads to confusion.

its interesting though... if i take fear out of the decision... the path to a certain direction becomes fairly clear... or is that just me thinking that? how can we be sure to be lead... apart from fear?

questions

2008-07-09T11:44:00.000-07:00

am i unfit for You
remember me, the one who turned from You
i come in rags tattered by the Fall
and all the earth, a witness to my crime

Mercy, weep over me
let Your tears wash me clean
Majesty, be merciful with me
for my eyes have seen Holy

hear my prayer at night
let the morning find me alive
for i am tired and weakened by the Fall
let all the eart bear witness to my cry

Mercy, weep over me
let Your tears wash me clean
Majesty, be merciful with me
for my eyes have seen Holy

let the Amen sound from Heaven as You lift my soul
Let the Amen sound from Heaven as You lift my soul
let the angels sound from Heaven, Holy is the Lord

Mercy, weep over me
let Your tears wash me clean
Majesty, be merciful with me
for my eyes have seen Holy

this is a song written by Bebo Norman called My Eyes Have Seen Holy. it consistently comes into my head these days. i long and make this my prayer. its hard to see yourself and know you are inherently unclean. to know that nothing you can do will ever clean you. i may be damaged... but i am learning that doesnt matter. his merciful tears can and will wash me clean. and he will lift my soul. i dont think i need to say anything else.

desires

2008-06-27T15:09:00.000-07:00

so... i am sitting here and just want to write.. you know that feeling you get when all you want to do is say and put forth something that means something.. well... the thing is... i really dont know what it is that i want to say... so this very much might not be what i want to accomplish at all.

communication is a very interesting thing to say the least. it is something someone accomplishes without ever trying and something that can tear things to pieces if not careful. it is done through the spoken word... through the written, much like i am doing right now... through a look... through a smile... through actions... through many things...

i think something that interests me the most... is what is communicated when someone says something... now i know that sounds dumb and self-explanatory... but people often say one thing and mean something completely different... really if you put in all the factors... what one says is rarely the whole truth.. one that i am often guilty of is the infamous ok... which i mean in partialness is true...compared to the state of some people in the world... or even some day that i have had in the past...or inevitably will have... i am ok... but there is so much more than that to that answer

my friends... the ones that know me best... know when that ok is a real genuine ok to me... or if it is more of a general ok... they can read and hear more than just the words that i speak. its amazing... communication and its several levels.. they know i long to be ok... and they know even to a degree why on that day i am not... i have found... it is these types of relationships that are the good ones... when communication exists in this whole other form... when not only the words spoken... but the way in which it is spoken... the expression on my face... and every other thing i cant even think to name... plays together to speak a truth i never thought i would be able to tell them...

something else intrigues me about this topic... is there anything that is devoid of truth.. my lie that i am ok... seems innocent enough... and easy enough to judge as a lie... but can we really say i do not convey some truth in that... i am ok compared to something else... that is one way... and another is when it is in conjunction with something else.. my state... how i am "feeling" if you will... is still conveyed.. and i wonder.. if i really said how i felt... and not just ok... would that communicate as much as my "ok" would with everything else involve... because then it would be more of a word standing by itself.. not so powerful...

due to things i have experienced in my life... i have begun to not trust words alone... i know... who am i to talk right.. but more needs to be there to make those words truth. too many things are assumed these days... and meanings are applied to words out of mear selfish desires... what would happen if we stopped listening to verbal communication and only saw the world around us.. would be interesting wouldnt it... new truths would come out... and old ones would be seen as false.. or would it simply become like our spoken word today? i dont know... but it makes me think.

sitting

2008-06-26T14:29:00.001-07:00

so... i have begun my internship and am a few weeks in now. it is very interesting to see how little time i actually have a boss in the office. he spent all last week off somewhere... yesterday he left without telling me that he wasnt going to be here... and then he got back late today. he spent very little time in the office, and now he is heading out again. i dont really know what to do with most of my time... sleeping would be an option... but i dont really know if that is ethical... what do you think? naw.. not ethical. so i sit here... read his emails... work on a database... and talk to people online... it is the talking to people online that keeps me sane. i dont know... as introverted as i am... i still need people around me... i am the only one in this office... and as nice as that can be at times... i get bored... and i get lonely... hmm... i guess that is just how life is right? i guess it gives me as much time as i want with my thoughts... yay! but yeah... so... now i am really tired and have the opportunity to go home... so... i think i am gonna take it... nap here i come!

home

2008-06-05T20:05:00.000-07:00

hey everyone... i am home now. i am back in texas after what seemed like a very very long month. i am glad to be back. i am tired and feeling sick. i got sick toward the end of the trip and am still recovering. i still have a pretty bad cough and am pretty out of it all together. but yeah..

so... i found a business internship. that is great for me. i still dont know much about it... but i will know more soon enough i am sure. i start monday and i expect to learn a lot. but ok... i really dont have much to say... i hope to find some rest this summer. i very much need it... i know that... so we will see. till later...

Another Post

2008-05-17T22:58:00.000-07:00

so... i have no idea what i am going to say in this thing... but... i have a couple of minutes so... i thought i would at least say something... things are ok. it still really hasnt rained here in ireland... which is very surprising... things are going fine... i am in the last day of the choir portion of the trip. then we move on out to dundrum so that we can do our mission trip in killyleigh... i am not really sure what the next two weeks will look like... things really havent been too planned out or communicated at least... so... really i do not know what the next day will bring. other than that... and getting into things too personal for a blog or really anything for that matter... that is all that is going on... until next time... i big you ado.

Ireland

2008-05-13T01:01:00.000-07:00

hey everyone... i am almost sure that no one reads this anymore... seeing as i haven't updated in so long. well... i am now in northern ireland. i am on choir tour here for one more week. it has been good. we have seen a lot of the country side and have sung in a lot of churches. it has been good. a couple cool things that have happened so hard. we were invited to sing in a catholic school. that was really significant seeing as we are very evangelical. they were very welcoming. also... we went to this rope bridge... and right before the bridge we all gathered and sang. it is things like that that i will remember. it was something different. and it wasnt to the people that are already preached to all the time... it was nice. and then the last thing worth mentioning is our recording... we are now entering our 2nd day or recording. we are doing it in st marks church. this is where c.s. lewis grew up. it is a beautiful place. the sound is amazing. the recording sessions are pretty intense... but i think it will be worth it.

other than that... things are going alright... i have to be honest... even though this place is much prettier than jordan... i would choose jordan to go visit any day. there seems to be too much of a disconnect between us and the people here. we just never really get to interact. i am sure the 2nd two week will be better for that... but still... it is kind of sucky. why are we here after all...

and that has me thinking even more... we are calling both parts of this thing a mission trip. what makes me even think i am called into something like this. i think that when one begins to deal with things... it gets hard to realize that you can still be used... i dont know... i wonder if i will be more of a hinderance to the mission part of this.. or a helping... god can speak through troubles... i know this... but i wonder.

What a Week!

2007-11-11T18:05:00.000-08:00

so... i just got back from theatre state competition. it was fun. we did really well and it was great actually performing on a real stage... a lot different from that recital hall stage. in all actuality i think we should have won.. but we are a small christian school and we dont have a program... and heck who would let a play with such a strong christian message go through like that... but it was fun. it was definitely interesting trying to live with so many people for a weeks time... i now definitely know that i am an introvert. i was ready to strangle several people before the week was out... but it is ok. that is life right... i am home. i get to relax a little.

i decided while there not to really do any homework... i brought some stuff to read... but that was really it. that was really nice. because of that.. i got the time to rest that was given to us. so i wasnt going going going... and then resting times werent filled with frantic homework. that was really nice... but now that i am back... all that i want to do still is sleep. i think i will probably go to bed early and hope that i dont have anything that i really need to get done... maybe that will be ok... we'll see.

i skipped church for the first time in a long time today. it was nice... got to sleep in. i feel like church has become a task for me to do. i hate that. the way that i have begun to view things regarding God is a little wrong... i need to get away from this task idea. like oh i need to pray today... or oh.. i need to go to church. i need to be a part of this or that... that isnt the focus at all. i want to be one with Him. my focus should be on the desire to be on with my Lord. a part of the great imperfect bridegroom of the perfect groom. so missing church was nice. it helped me to get out of this idea that i need to go. i should go... but not for that reason. so yeah... that is enough of that... until next time

internship and other such things

2007-03-30T07:20:00.000-07:00

yeah... so apparently i havent really been posting anything basically ever... not my intention. life has kindof been getting away from me. there are so many things to do or so many things just occupying my thoughts... i just dont even remember this thing exists sometimes. i want to be more solid about this, but i honestly could never promise that. but i will write something now... with the hopes that i will write again later...

so... whats going on in my life.... well... i have been trying to find an internship... i really dont know where it will happen. i have one opportunity in front of me... and it seems like an interesting one. the worship leader at this church is known as the associate pastor of creative arts and communication. i understand his reasoning behind this title. he doesnt want people thinking that worship is just on sunday mornings when he gets up and plays some music... i have a feeling though that me and him would get into some theological arguments.... tasteful ones... yet arguments none the less.... he holds some ideas that go along with this new style known as emerging worship. this is a very interesting concept, and it intrigues me... but i am unsure my thoughts on the entire thing. we are called to bring praise to God with psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs.... yes.. that doesnt and i dont think should be used to exclude other forms of worship, but it shouldnt be ignored either. something he said the other night makes me think this. he told me that worship should be whatever a person is gifted in and talented in being offered up to God, and if there is an entire church of tone deaf people, music should be left out... i think that is a extreme... i mean first of all i dont think it possible to have an entire church of tone deaf people... but the bible specifically calls for us to bring music to the Lord. it is as a pleasing aroma to Him. yes, i am sure we should use everything he have... everything we do in the worhsip of our God... but we shouldnt exclude worship. God doesnt care if the music is in tune... if it is a fantastic show... he just wants to see our hearts poured out on an alter before His feet. there is so much that can be expressed in music that can be said in music... expressions that make corporate worship logical. we can all sing a song to the Lord together, as one body, but we cannot tangibly paint a picture as one to bring it to Him. each person trying will be thinking different things and meaning different things... it wont be the body as one. YES! Paint in Honor of God. DANCE in HIS HONOR. BUILD in HIS HONOR. DO WHAT YOU LOVE IN HIS HONOR. but music is a tool, an offering that is hard to match. and even if there isnt one person in the church that can hold a tune... it is still called for.

but anyway.... i still wonder.... i know there are things there that will stretch me... mold me... and i really honestly dont know how the church functions in its entirety. and i should go at least once before deciding anything... so i will... i just wonder if this is the right place.. can i be a creative arts intern... i dont know... that is interesting to me.... it provokes a lot of thoughts as i am sure you can tell.. :) but alright... whatelse is going....

i am currently trying to figure out my rooming situation for next year.... i think i am almost there.... my current roommate still might be my roommate for next year... but i just dont know how it would work... she might move to this thing called the ministry house... which would mean i need to find another roommate... which i am currently trying to do... it is kind of stressful... but ok... i know i will get it all handled... i am just trying to get some loose ends worked out.... it should be fine.... but yeah... thats about it... maybe i will post again... soon enough.

BACK

2007-01-24T13:53:00.000-08:00

alright well i am back at school... it has been a couple of weeks now... classes are going alright... there are a couple that definitely frustrate me more than i wish. but that is ok.. i am almost done i think with my insane semesters. i have started to think about next year and classes as well as leadership positions i wish to pursue. i am thinking about either the assistant director of cause. cause being the ministries that jbu has. or i am considering RA of possibly the townhoues. i dont know... we will see that is for sure. but i have also started thinking about my internships. i have to do 2. i want to do 1 at a record label. that is after all what i am thinking i want to do in my future. who knows if that is going to happen. i am excited about it though. i dont know when i am going to though. i know next summer is technically when i should do it... but i am a little concerned with the fact that i kindof want to go back to jordan and that is that summer. i really miss it there. it was a lot of fun and i made a lot of friends. maybe someday... but i have a feeling that it wont be until a while from now... stink huh... oh well... that is about it for now... i will write more later.

home

2006-12-18T09:35:00.000-08:00

i made it through finals. barely. i am sure some of you know what a close call it was. i passed though. and i made it through all 9 finals. but yeah... i think that is all i really need to say. too tired right now to actually write anything more.

FINALS!!!!

2006-12-13T18:29:00.000-08:00

yes it is that time of the year. the time when those 9 classes really start to add up. but i am proud to say that i am down to 2. 7 down, 2 to go. man.. it has been a long and exhausting semester. i will be glad once it is over. i am still stressed about passing a class... but i asked the prof and he said that i should pass. i will be happy just to see a C on that transcript or even a D. i have worked my butt off in that class and do not want to take it again next year. it is rough and i am not good at it. it is one of my 2 finals i have left. it is actually my last final scheduled. kindof scary. i will definitely be glad to get it over with. oh... i found out today that due to a shortage of people in class voice, i will be taking private lessons next semester. that should be interesting. it will definitely allow for more individual vocal work, but it also required a lot more out of a person. i just hope that i am ready for it. you know what i mean. it will be interesting. oh and this is funny. i have started teaching lessons here. a few kids in the neighborhood come to me for guitar lessons. it is really funny. my number is being passed around to the mom's. and i am gradually gaining in students. right now i have 2. i expect at least 1 more next semester. it is nice to have that extra little bit of money every week. it is just funny. i actually have some cash in my pocket. definitely something i am not used to. but yeah... that is life right about now. stressful, but interesting. i am gonna end up staying at school a couple extra days. i have a wedding to go to. a couple friends are getting married. should be fun. so i wont get to town until saturday night most likely. i am looking forward to a little bit of sleep. tomorrow afternoon... i am gonna crash... and it is going to be sweet. and then friday... i will sleep in. and saturday... get in the car... check out of the dorm... go to a wedding and then come home.... it will be amazing..... but alright... i will talk to you guys later.

the weekends pass

2006-11-04T12:15:00.000-08:00

well life is still progressing here at good ol JBU. I just registered for classes for next semester... and surprise surprise... i cant fit everything i need to again.... oh well... i guess there is always next time. so... i am investigating going abroad for a semester. i dont know how it will work out though... and i must say it is getting a little frustrated with it. it seems that sense i am so ahead in core classes... that there is nothing that i can really take anywhere... so i will just be wasting hours there... and i dont have those hours to waste. its crazy they make you take certain classes when you go places... and they wont fit anywhere in the things that i need. so if i go.... it seems that i will probably just be making other semesters really hard or i will be adding a semester at the end. i dont know if it is really worth it... because i am still gonna have to bust my butt where ever i go that semester. so i dont know. i would love to study somewhere else for a semester but i just dont know how it is going to work out. if anyone has a suggestion please let me know... i found this one program in australia that seems like it would work fairly well... but i talked to a music teacher and the classes dont line up exactly right... and i wouldnt be covering exactly the same material... so yeah... yay.... im not sure how that is going to be handled. i'm sure ill figure it out. but please if you know anyway that might work... let me know.... im pretty open to anything.

Soccer

2006-10-13T09:13:00.000-07:00

well... ok... strange thing... i think i am on the soccer team at school now. i have been missing the sport and getting to play a couple times this summer really fed that. so i talked to the coach. apparently there were some injuries to some of their players and they need some people. so yeah... i went out to practice... and really realized how out of shape i am... but he said keep coming out and i should be put on the roster by next week. this i think will prove to interesting. i wont be any big field player or anything... i dont think i could last... but i will be a sub so others can rest some. it should be interesting to see how this progresses. i dont know how long i will do it though.... it all depends on if i can handle it or not. so far it seems reasonable. no more than highschool soccer. a couple hours a day. now the challenge is getting back into shape.... we will see.

howdy all

2006-10-05T15:37:00.000-07:00

alright.. i actually have some time to write something. well actually i dont... but i ran out of things to do at work. so here i am. life has been going alright.... some aspects are good some not as good. but hey what ya gonna do. thus is life right. i find myself really missing jordan sometimes. things there are so nicely slow paced. i loved it. things here are so hectic. i still havent finished my classes for jordan. i now officially have two F's on the transcript. oh how life is grand. it will get done though. soon enough. i have only two papers left. maybe... just maybe i can get one done this weekend. wouldnt that be amazing.

but yeah... enough of that... it's good to be back on campus after fall break. i really love the people and the community that JBU gives me. it's just what i need at this point in my life. i know these friends will always stand by me... and i hope that i can do the same for them.

oh... and for some things that i have been learning.... i never really thought about this... but i think it may be true.... there really are such things as love languages... some give things... some give time... some use touch... some use encouraging words.... and so on.... its just interesting... what i still have yet to learn... but really want to learn is how to receive love in a sincere way that is not necessarily the way that you best receive love. for example... i dont really receive giving as love... i would much rather have touch and quality time and stuff like that... kind words... and so on... gifts dont mean as much to me... but i want to learn how to see that and accept that kindof love as more than just a physical gift and have mean love.... if anyone has suggestions... let me know.

yes... i am still going to post

2006-09-22T09:15:00.000-07:00

i will still post. they will and are a lot more scattered at the moment. i still havent finished all the jordan stuff. so that is consuming most of my time. i am having to write papers for classes that should of finished in august... so time is kindof pressed. i will try to start updating once a week. at least.

everything is going decently here. the school year is well underway. fall break is just around the corner. i am hoping to finish a few papers by then, but part of me doubts that that will actually happen. we will see though. but honestly.. i would love to write more now... but i have business law homework that i didnt get done last night... so i need to concentrate on that.... i will post later though.

long.... loooonng time

2006-09-07T20:31:00.000-07:00

hey guys i am sorry it has taken me so long to write again.... but it as been a busy few weeks... still is. so how is everyone doing? i really dont know what to say... i have stuff to do.... so i just want to know if people are still reading... so are you? please comment

well...

2006-08-11T18:55:00.000-07:00

it is amazing how much time matters in this life. here i am sitting in my chair thinking about all the crap i have to get done and how fast i need to do it. it is impossible. i have to read a book in a couple of days... ill get it done... but it will be close. i am way tired and am finding it hard to motivate... but it will get done... i have several papers that i still need to write... those will get incompletes most likely... but i will try... i dont know whatelse to think. its just funny... back in Jordan everything moved so slow. it was great. life was relaxed. here it is crazy. i am getting really stressed again and falling back into the same old distractions... plus some. how great it is. i know i need to get to work... but i could really care less to tell you the truth. i am still tired from the trip and i dont seem to be getting anymore awake... but thus is life right.... but ok... if you have any suggestions let me know... i think now i am going to sink into the bed. talk to you later.

home

2006-08-07T11:52:00.000-07:00

alright... it is official... i made it home.... i am sitting on my floor, not in an internet cafe. ok... well... it has been a crazy 33 hours of flying... shouldnt ever happen. but anyway... this is going to be super short. i am getting overwhelmed with everything that i have to get done before i leave next... so i will talk to you all later.

ok.... few more days

2006-08-02T05:33:00.000-07:00

alright well.... we were supposed to stop working yesterday... but now i dont know when that will happen... we worked today and we might work tomorrow. the area that i joined a couple days before the end of the dig.... is the last to be done. so while some get to stay home from work i am in the field.... all in good fun... its ok. they are doing work back at camp... but anyway.... i know this may not post right... but i am going to try my hardest to figure out what is going on with this thing... this is my third post sense petra and something is just not working right... we will see.... but yes today we confirmed tickets. so hopefully i will make it home ok... i still have yet to pack. i have yet to do anything. it should be interesting. i maybe tired enough to sleep most of the flight back. that would be nice. but ok... i dont really know whatelse to say. we have said goodbyes to a lot of our friends that we have made here over the summer. it is really sad... i miss them all already. sheugel halas. work finished. with that.... goes most of our contact with the jordanians. it has been good though... i think i have dinner invitations like every night i have left here. it is great. i think i actually got adopted into one of the families here... i dont know how that happened. or why they like me so much but... whatever.... but ok... now i really should be going... i think i am about to get my last schwarma at my favorite resturant... sad day....

ok....

2006-07-29T01:50:00.000-07:00

well.... for some reason i dont think my last post is showing up on my blog. im sorry about that... i will try to get it up.... but just in case you should read it.... i am still sick.... i am getting a little better. but my stomach is still messing with me. it has not been fun. right now... i am wanting to be back in hartha in my bed. but that is ok... thus is life. my stomach is doing ok... i am feeling and looking much better. i took a couple days off of work last week. i went in monday... but that was the day that i got sick... stayed home on tuesday. and then my old area needed some help because it was going to be closed up thursday morning... so i got my butt out of bed to help out. and then thursday i wanted to be there to see it finished and to watch the final photos. but then on friday i decided it was best not to wake up at 4 and finally get some rest. it was a good decision. a lot of people said i looked a lot better. which is very good. for almost a week now... one guy has been saying i look like hell.... almost everyday... at one point i think i graduated to purgatory... that was exciting... but ok... i think that is enough of that. i have 2 days of work left. then 2 days of cleaning camp. then i am off to amman to spend 2 days there and then leave. it should be exciting. we are coming to an end. i have stories to tell from last night... but i dont think that i can give them justice. i can just say it involves the jordanian army and the syrian border. :) oh well... ok i am off.

sick again

2006-07-26T05:45:00.000-07:00

well this week hasnt been fun... we got home from petra and aqaba on sunday night.. and i was dead on the bus the entire way home... the next morning i get up go to work and i basically collapse on the tel. i felt nauseous. and weak. and it was no fun. i get home that afternoon. skip both dinner and lunch and go to bed. i got up for 2 hours that night and slept through work the next day... something about fellow classmates telling me i look like hell makes me feel like i made the right decision. i needed to go into work today though. my stomach still hurt and i was really weak feeling still but i did not feel like i was going to throw up anymore... always a good sign... but i did a light day of work to try to finish up the church for final pictures... it is not completely great.... but it is all the time we have... oh well... it is ok... we only have one week of work left. everyone is kindof closing down their areas and then counting down the days... it is great. we are enjoying our last days rushing through homework... and planning our free weekend we have coming up... i will be staying in town... i just want to rest and these trips every weekend are wearing me down... but it is going to be nice. irbid and hartha are my favorite parts of jordan... and believe me i have been all over. i have seen way more of this country than i ever thought possible... it has been good though... but ok.... thanks for everything everyone... i am guessing there will be two more entries before i get home... or maybe 3. one this weekend. one next week. and then one when i am in amman waiting to get on the plane... oh happy day oh and here is one of the more recent pics of me that i have access to right now... this was before the camera broke... so...umm... i think i am probably darker and blonder... now... oh and i think this is where john the baptist got beheaded

PETRA

2006-07-20T11:10:00.000-07:00

ok well i am now sitting in petra... well... not petra but the city outside of petra. same difference. we got the option here to get a hotel room or find a place on a roof or something somewhere. well naturally the cheaper the better. i went for the roof. we didnt get a roof... we got a greenhouse. i know strange. it is a big greenhouse with several foam mattresses and it is right by the pool. 3 jd a night. nice.... but yeah... we had to fend for ourselves tonight and find food. we found it... but yeah... i really dont know whatelse to say... i am really tired... and kindof just want to go to bed. that will happen soon enough i am sure. but yeah... oh i went to a workers house yesterday... his name is emad. he has a little crush on me. his family dislikes me. that was an interesting dinner. i am sure that will be a better story in person.. but also.. today at the site. it was so sad. we have really hard workers. they are truly great. but they were so discouraged. i guess someone said that they only mess around when they are out there busting their butt all day. me and the other guy at the area dont give them easy work. but yeah... me and him will try to figure something out. but ok.. i must go. till next time

early

2006-07-18T05:43:00.000-07:00

i know this post is earlier in the week than normal... but i guess the director and the rest of the senior staff thought it good to change up the routine we had gotten ourselves in of going into town on wednesdays... i guess it makes sense... i mean there is a war happening next door. but what ya gonna do... it isnt in this country. and no one thinks it will get here. oh good news... i finished my probe today. this is a one by one meter square. the soul purpose of this was to go all the way to virgin soil... and to date the church... it was quite interesting... i hit bedrock... for those of you who dont know what that is... that is basically where there is no more dirt. the bottom level of rock on the earth's crust. kindof cool. but i dont know if we got enough information out of that probe or not. i sure hope so. it was getting really hard to get out of there today because it was getting so deep. imagine a really tired me in a deep hole starting to get frustrated. it can be a funny picture. oh... yeah so now that i am done with that probe i have no idea where i am going to end up. the place i thought i was going apparently got vetoed by the director. but i really dont know... and everyone i have asked doesnt know either. see my area shut down last week. and me and one other guy stayed to finish up some stuff. i finished and he has not. so now i dont know what is to become of me. we will see i guess.

oh and if anyone was interested about the jordanian guy front... i was told by the guy that gave me the shirt and bear.... muhammad that he does not like me... he likes another girl in the group that used to be on the same tel. that made me laugh a bit. but at that same time... another guy confessed to the american guy in our area that he does like me. and i have been invited for coffee tomorrow at his home. this should be interesting.. hopefully... nothing too bad will happen.... no i am kidding... i dont expect anything. i will keep my eye open though... and stay on my toes....

ok and now the war... no i am not going to talk about all the specifics that are going on. you guys prolly know more than i do. i just know that it has been a lot cooler out these days... the skys are gray from smoke. apparently there was some oil barracks or something blown up and that made the day much more cool. oh and if you got down low this afternoon... made it so the wind didnt blow in your ears.... you could hear the explosions.... it was quite interesting....

when it rains it pours

2006-07-16T01:28:00.001-07:00

well... believe it or not.... it rained in the desert. the locals couldnt even believe it.... not once since the beginning of the abila excavation has it rained.... well i am not so sure you can call it rain... it was a couple oh drops... but it was cause for rejoicing.... it was cool. the mornings on the tell are usually really cold... and when you see what looks like rain clouds... you just dismiss them usually. they are prolly just left over clouds from syria... it rains more there than it does here. but yeah it was interesting.... it lasted a couple seconds but it was cool. never thought i'd see the day. but there it was. i talked to one of the workers and was like it is rain. they call it shita.. :) but he just point blank said it is summer.... there is no rain... it was weird... but anyway... that day came to an end. i doubt we will see anymore... but it was nice.

but that was friday... this weekend... we went on a cool enough trip. we went to jarash. this one of the largest most conserved roman cities in existance today. it was large.... we spent 4 hours there... didnt really want to spend that much time there. i would of much rather slept. but oh well. thats ok. then we went to this ajlun thing.. it was a muslim crusader caslte. that was actually kindof cool... my camera broke... so i wont be able to give you any pics of that right now... but i will steal from others... so at the end of the trip you can see... but i am sorry for the delay right now... i will try to get you some kindof picture right now... but let me think... that was saturday.... this is sunday... we are basically spending the day in irbid... relaxing... it is nice... i like it in irbid. the night life is a blast... and it is a college town... it is nice.... hartha where we are staying is an awesome town too.... basically... i like the days off... oh i got to sleep in till almost 9 today. that was incredible. i woke up at 5 ready for whatever like usual but it was nice to be able to go back to bed.

ok and now the war. a lot of you may be wandering about the war and if we are going to be coming home earlier.... or if it is safe... well first let me say it is a war.... lebanon and israel are at war.... the papers over in america are not saying that i dont think... i think someone told me that they are calling it a "non-war" that isnt true. we are holding out right now... jordan is not involved right now... but it is close. we are not far from israel... but everything is ok as of now... the director and all the senior staff are keeping there eyes on the news and will bring us home early if something should arise. we dont expect it to get bad here. jordan usually stays out of these types of things.... but if anything should happen... i will be sure to post... but for now that is all. oh and this is just a picture at a military checkpoint... dont freak out... i kindof got it without permission. but ok... you know what... nevermind... the picture is not uploading properly. so i am not going to deal with it...

hump week

2006-07-12T06:56:00.000-07:00

so this is the middle. we are almost on the downward slope.... it should be fun.... actually it will be. we have a pretty light weekend approaching us. and we are almost done in our area. after this week i will be relocated. it should be pretty good. oh so yeah... you remember the guy who gave me the shirt..... yeah today i got a teddy bear. i dont know what to think... i definitely know he likes me... but i know i should be ok.... i am trying not to lead him on or anything. and i tell him he doesnt have to get me anything. but i dont know whatelse to do... maybe we will be put in different areas at the end of this week.. i dont know.... oh and then this last weekend.... went to the dead see..... that is the pic.... man any cuts.... anything burns.... ouch... it was cool.... hard to not float... but it was cool... alright... i really dont know whatelse to say.... i have been really tried... it is kindof like just trying to get through the week right now... get some rest... oh something else that is pretty cool.... i totally have gotten to sort the pottery from the dig. it was cool. of course they check it afterwards... but it is so cool. like early and late byzantine.... ummyad, abbassid, iron age, middle bronze. fun. but ok that is all.... until next time.

one more week gone...

2006-07-08T08:13:00.000-07:00

ok well we had to say goodbye to some of our workers yesterday... it was very sad... i will miss them, but it was time for them to go to the university. but oh well... some things going on at camp. everyone has been getting sick. i thought i was going to be able to escape it... and i escaped the harsh parts, but i am starting to feel the hurt. it is not comfortable... my stomach is going crazy... oh well. it will be fine. today we had to climb this really tall mountain to get to the remains of king herods castle. this is the same place where john the baptist got beheaded. that was interesting. it has a great veiw.. but it definitely was a long walk. not that fun... but ok.. this is going to have to be a short entry... i will try to make up for it later. ok and this is a picture of me at work... and yes i really am that dirty at the end of each day

wow

2006-07-05T06:02:00.000-07:00

this has been quite a week that is for sure. i think i get married.... well no i didnt but there is a story. i was at work... and see one of the workers under me bought me this really nice shirt and came to the school to give it to me. he was dressed super nice had his hair done.... and it was just really nice. i felt kindof bad. there is talk that he might be fired for getting to close to the americans. and also his hair is longer... and that is frowned apon here. i feel kindof bad about that. but now some of the people in camp are giving me a hard time. one is calling me habibee... meaning beloved. and then one is making cat noises... it has been interesting. i like the shirt a lot though. but then... also more stories. i guess a man got apprehended on the tell yesterday. he was walking around somewhere near the area i was working at... we dont know who he is but he was picked up within 5 minutes. oh and... one of the workers today had a boulder fall on him. it has really been interesting. oh and this was cool... today after work. i was getting up about to get in the bus when a truck of workers came by and was like sarah.... and waved me in.... one of the area supervisors was like go. it is cool. this is the only place that i can just hop on the back of a truck and make it back. i like it. i ride in the back of a truck usually 2 times a day. on the way and on the way back from work.

ok... i think i am going to tell you exactly what happens in a typical work day.... ok i wake up at 4 am in the morning.... yeah i know early. we eat breakfast which consists of pita and something we call shimingy.... it is like a cream of wheat. my pita usually has jam on it at this meal... then i jump on the back of a truck and get to work by 5. we stand around and socialize with the workers till around 530-545. then we work. i have been uncovering a church floor. it has been kindof interesting and cool at times... but also boring. then there is at 930 a break for 2nd breakfast. this is usually cucumber... tomato.... hard boiled egg. and pita... if luck we get an orange. this time i put cheese on the pita. then we work again till 1245. jump in the truck at 1 and head back to camp. then lunch. big meal... can be anything. nice. then there is showers. nice time of the day... very very very cold. but oh well. nice still the same. we ran out of water on monday i believe. not fun. dirty. but then we can take a nap. and at 4 there is pottery reading and registry work to be done. once a week for everyone. my day is tuesday. then dinner at 6. registry can take 2-3 or even 4 hours depending. not fun. one night i was in there till 10. ouch. but then... we also have lectures. and other such stuff... and then if we are smart bed at 9-930. but that is my day. hope that was a good post

the weekend is over

2006-07-02T06:14:00.000-07:00

well i just got back from all over the place looking at different castles. some of them arent very castley. but what ya gonna do. i got some good pictures. it was pretty cool. i saw some cool instrument playing. i dont even really know what the thing was called though. so we will see. i am definitely bringing some kindof instrument home. and i think i have a song in the works. we will see. it will be hard without the guitar at hand. but we will see. it was nice. last night we stayed at a hotel. and this place had a pool and hot water. needless to say it was heaven. i was forgetting what hot showers were. :) but ok... i really dont know whatelse to say. Germany won the game against argentina. we ended up watching it in a tent on the side of the road. that was definitely an experience and the traffic that was going on after the game was insane. jordan night life is something else. they are definitely night people it is actually kindof funny. but ok that is all. talk to you later.

one week down.....

2006-06-30T07:29:00.000-07:00

so the dig is going smooth. i think the workers are pretty mad though. the department of antiquities is jipping them big on the paycheck. so we will see how that goes monday. we are going somewhere tomorrow. i am not sure where. i think we are going to look at some castles. we'll see. oh and during that dig... lets see. i think that coolest thing that i have found so far is a couple of roman nails. even though they were in a contaminated area it was such a nice find that they were documented and going to end up being mailed back to the US. that is kindof cool. oh and.... things are going decently well here. homework is kindof lagging... but that is to be expected. the only reason i am in iribid right now is to go to the hookah bar to watch some futball. should be fun. but actually i really dont know whatelse to say. we had our first class yesterday.. it was somewhat ridiculous. oh well. i will prolly write later this week after the castles. we will see. alright catch ya later.

the digging begins

2006-06-28T05:58:00.000-07:00

i have now been digging for 3 days. this is a 5 to 1 work day. it is a little rough... but it is ok. i am what you could call almost black. if you see me when i get back i am sure i will be black by then. it should be funny. for those wanting more specifics on my actual job, i am a cleaning lady. well more than that. i am a cleaning lady with some cool tools. it is my job to take the dirt which in some cases can be about 6 in thick of the church floor. the floor is amazing. it has red limestone and black bysalt stone. it is beautiful. we are trying to finish the church by the end of next week. it will be hard. but we will see. it is interesting to have some jordanian workers under you. one of them is study english lit at the university. he is attempting to teach me arabic. it is pretty cool. oh and yesterday we went downtown to get some ice cream... and it was pretty funny... the stores for some reason were closed so we started walking back and then were called over by some kids. we ended up at this guys store. hospitality is amazing. he gave us coke, water, and coffee. and then a pear on our way out. his english was amazing. but he felt it his job to teach us all arabic. we must of learned all of a thousand words in 2 hours. its all a blur. i was late to pottery reading because you just cant ever seem to get out of a jordanians house. it was ok though. i really like working in the registery. seeing all the pottery and glass and metal and whatever else that was kept from the days dig. it is a lot of work, but it is so cool being able to look at the pottery and the technique from over a thousand years ago. but yeah that is all right about now. i have work tomorrow and it is already 4 pm here. i think that means it is like 8 am there. yay.... but yeah i was invited over to one of the workers house today... so we will see. that might be another entry later. but now i think that is time that i say goodbye. and please leave comments or email.. i would love to hear from you.

again

2006-06-25T01:24:00.000-07:00

yeah so i am back because we got kicked out of the school today. this will be a shorter day though. we just have to stay away till around 12. it should be ok. they are taking these tests that are very important and so we have to disappear for a little bit. church didnt really happen... i think we are going to try to do something tonight. maybe. we will see. oh yesterday after i made my last entry. i tried the huka. my professor paid for it. he said it is all part of the cultural experience. it was cool. for those that dont know what a huka is.... it looks kindof like a bong... but it isnt. it is flavored tobacco. interesting. but... yeah... i hung out at the huka bar for a little bit. and then we left. our professor was there for way longer than us. he was letting his 11 year old kid do it too. basically harmless. but anyway. the dig starts tomorrow. all that is really going through my head is i hope i dont break whatever i find. but we will see. i have already found several peices of pottery... but that is no big deal... so we will see what happens tomorrow. alright talk to ya later

one week in

2006-06-24T03:40:00.000-07:00

well i must say this is really interesting. we have gotten through our field training... which technically consisted of one day out on the dig and learning basic technique. we start on monday with our jordanian workers. it shoud prove to be somewhat intimidating. i got assigned to work in the area D church. the dig site is broken down into several areas. it is cool enough.... but i lucked out with having a spot where there is a breeze. i am happy. we drink water here out of these cisterns. they are basically big clay pots. we dont get the pleasure of sitting down to go to the bathroom either... can someone say turkish toilet. also our showers are just converted toilets. imagine bathing where you go to the bathroom. interesting. but today was interesting. we went to the place where Jesus cast Legion from the man into the pigs. very cool. and there were filming a movie there also at the time. which me and some others accidently stumbled upon. woops. the guys were really nice. we got pics and other such things. oh and i got to kindof see the sea of galilee. couldnt really see it though. it was too hazy. oh.... and today... we get the pleasure of finding our way back to camp. they are trying to teach us how to do that ourselves. we will see. it should be fine. oh and laundry. appreciate washing machines. i just did my laundry for the first time yesterday. crazy. all i had was a bucket and soap. i hope they are clean. if not. oh well. the dust here will just dirty them up again anyway. oh... i got to play soccer out front of the school we are staying at on the concrete with some guys in our group and also some arab men. that was cool. all i could really do was say hone hone. which means here here. and then say tabanah over and over again. meaning tired. it was a hard game. we won. me and the arabs. umm i fell into a thorn bush on one play that was great. i was all bloody... i went straight to the toilet to take a shower. nice ice cold shower. haha... well that is it for now. hope to here from ya. oh and that is a pic of all of us sitting in a tomb. nice huh.

I MADE IT

2006-06-20T02:37:00.000-07:00

alright guys... i made it into jordan sunday night. there were some mixups. i had to pay 100 dollars for the airline to reissue me a ticket. oh well i made it. the teachers got stuck in chicago with a bunch of people. that was interesting. but we made it ok. they arrived last night and we hung out with some other abila people. its good to at least know some americans here. i have realized that women are really second class here. there are looks... but its ok. i mean i am picking up some arabic already and it is good. i can say hi. how do i get to so and so place. thank you. whats your name. howare you. many many things. i am picking it up better than i thought. but... anyway.... right now i am in iribid. it has been interesting. i need to prolly get food now. i am sorry for such a short post but i look forward to hearing from you.

Tomorrow

2006-06-16T22:14:00.000-07:00

alright... i leave tomorrow. i am going to try to keep this up over the time in jordan. i dont know how the summer is going to go really. but i will try to keep this up. i finally finished packing tonight... talk about last minute. i havent gotten my homework done yet either. oh well we will see how it all goes. hope to hear from everyone.

one week

2006-06-09T22:04:00.000-07:00

i have one more week at home. next saturday i will be on a plane going over to a country that i know nothing about. i am afraid i am not ready at all for this. i still havent finished my school work. i havent done anything as far as packing... or even getting the stuff i need. next week is going to be so stressful. i am afraid i am not going to get done what i need to get done. i havent summarized any of my books nor have i even finished them. i want to finish the book i am on tomorrow... maybe if it is possible finish reading this weekend. i need to leave the house to do that. the next couple of days i think i am going to have to spend at the park. i need to get something done. but ok.. i really need to get to sleep... have to wake up to read something.

work...

2006-06-03T17:12:00.000-07:00

i was working the other day... i dont remember what day... but it got me thinking. everytime someone walks by they say something to the effect... "still working on the bin locations, God that must be boring. glad im not doing it." well... they arent doing it, i am. and for some reason it doesnt bother me that much. it gets me thinking though. this is something i can bare. those boring crap jobs that no one wants to do but that someone has to do. well... what is sad... i think i can see myself sitting in a cubicle punching numbers, doing data entry for the rest of my life. it wouldnt be something i would enjoy... but someone has to do it. i dont know whatelse i can really see myself doing. but ok... if you got any suggestions that will keep me out of that cubicle... please feel free

cycling

2006-05-29T17:19:00.000-07:00

so i took richard's bike out today. richard... you are too tall. how am i supposed to ride if my legs cant touch the ground. it makes me sad. i am asking for a bike for my birthday. i wanna ride. i like it.. but i dont have a good bike. oh and i think i am realizing the need for bike shorts. that seat is not the most comfortable thing. on my dyno... i usually stood the whole time... so i really didnt see the need. but i definitely can tell now. if anyone has a good idea for a bike let me know

crash and burn

2006-05-27T09:20:00.000-07:00

man last night... wow... i fell asleep around 430 last night... well i guess afternoon. and i woke up this morning around 830. i know... that cant be good. but that is what happened. i didnt sleep straight through. i remember that i did wake up at different times during the night... but always almost instantly fell back to sleep. i dont know what to think about that. i got 7 hours the night before. so i really dont think that had anything to do with it. i just cant help but wonder what would cause that much sleep. and i am sure you could guess... i am still super tired. i cant afford going back to sleep though. i mean i have to get some reading done. but anyway. i am on book 5 now. i want to try to get it done today. i dont know if that will happen though. we will see.

work all night.... sleep all day

2006-05-22T16:25:00.000-07:00

life can get so stressful. it seems like all i have time for is reading and working. yeah i get a small nap at night.... but that is never enough.... i have gotten 3 books out of the way... but i am now reading this one book that seems like it will take a few days at least of just pure reading to get through. it is so long. i am hoping to get through a section or 2 today.. but i dont know if that is going to happen. we will see im sure. i think being outside all the time is starting to wear down on me as well. i think i am a few shades darker now... which is kindof scary considering i havent left for the desert yet. but yeah... i think i am actually only gonna work 1 day this week. i didnt mean for that to happen... but i think i am gonna have to stay home tomorrow. but anyway... i am really tired... and have a bunch of reading to do. so i will let this post trail away to nothing.

Mormonism

2006-05-17T20:03:00.000-07:00

so... i was sitting outside at the park again. this time i was sitting under a tree as to not get too burned. live and learn. but it was interesting. these mormons came up to me. i saw em coming and wondered if they would come up to me... and sure enough they did. i let them do there talk. but once they got to the jesus coming to america i had to tell them i thought they were wrong. they were ok with that. grateful i gave them the time. we talked a little. they gave me the book of mormon and then were on their way. they actually asked me if they could come back and talk to me another day. i said i dont know... i might not be sitting here that day... but who knows. so i have this book of mormon. it got me thinking actually. because i had to speak at youth today. and i thought. i cant just let this pass without using it. so i gave a little test to the youth group. most could not tell the difference between the new testament and the book of mormon. interesting. but i didnt stay on that... that was just a point. it was just an interesting day... wasnt expecting that encounter.

burnt

2006-05-15T15:35:00.000-07:00

i went outside today. took a bike ride to the park and sat outside and read one of my many books... still not done with it.... but i ended up sitting out there for a couple hours. i am officially burnt. my skin now has this nice shade of red to it. i think my farmers tan is almost gone... thats good. but anyway.... its funny. as much as sunburns can hurt.. they kindof feel good as well. there is a sense of having done something when you get a sunburn. i didnt spend the day inside. more than i have done in a long time. its nice. i miss the outside. there are so many great things that come with it. but ok... i need to get back to reading... i am almost halfway through the first book. i just hope more didnt arrive in the mail today...

the beginning

2006-05-13T14:15:00.000-07:00

alright.... so another day another post. i have opened my first book, read my first chapter, and to be honest i dont see it happening. i am gonna try. oh yeah i will try. but the amount of reading in front of me leaves me really discouraged. it is just so hard to get motivated. there is one thing i know for sure though.... at the end of this i will be so smart when it comes to the church.... more specifically in the middle east. i guess that could come in handy some day....

oh and on top of all the reading... i am so gosh darn tired. i allow myself plenty of time for sleep, but it never seems to work.... i think i need to get a sleep study done... something tells me it all has to do with sleep quality. maybe it is the times that i wake up at night.... sometimes it is more than others... or at least times that i realize i wake up. i dont know... what would keep me from sleeping well. or is it all in my head... maybe i sleep like a baby every night. i wish i could find out. maybe fix a couple of things. but anyway... that wasnt the point of this post. i just think that being a little rested would help me in reading this summer. but ok... i must go... i have things like reading that needs to be done.

reading

2006-05-12T19:50:00.000-07:00

you know i like reading just as much as the next person... but i was looking at my reading list for this summer and it is going to be hard. i dont really know what i am going to do. but i think in the matter of a month i need to have about 11 books read... aahhhh!!!!!! these are long books. and i have another book i just found about today that needs to be read by august. i dont know how that is going to be done. needless to say there will be less tv and a lot more reading. i dont think i will be working as much as i thought. i mean that is about 3 books a week. oh crap that is too much.... if any of you wish to help me out with this you can feel more than welcome. man this is totally on top of a bunch of papers. what were these teachers thinking. i am really gonna have to pace myself.

i dont understand the concept behind so much work... i mean how am i supposed to comprehend that much information in that amount of time. kindof makes you want to question the whole system. but then i think i am not really willing to challenge the system when i dont have that much breathing room. speaking of breathing room i think i just took up all that i have in writing this....

relationships

2006-05-10T14:47:00.000-07:00

i got to thinkin today about friendships and other such relationships. it's interesting. i love people. i love knowing them. relating in different ways with them. but it always hurts when they leave your life. yeah they will always be a part of my life. i wont let it be any other way. those that i get close with... i cant let them leave. not completely. but i hate it when something happens that makes it come to a hault. i grow to love certain people. and when they leave... when you dont seem to be around them or as close to them anymore... it always hurts so much. it gets me thinking. is it worth it. are relationships worth the hurt. well of course they have to be right? will relationships be preserved into the next life? one must wonder

Cancellation

2006-05-09T10:39:00.000-07:00

today i was supposed to go to lunch with my old youth pastor, billy. he called me up right before i was going to leave to meet him and had to cancel. he had a good excuse, but it still stinks. it seems like everytime you get your hopes up... they only fall harder. life seems full of disappointment. sometimes though something in you says i am going to take the risk. you let yourself become vulnerable and then you either are fulfilled or fall harder than you could of ever dreamed. sometimes i wonder is it worth it?

new blog

2006-05-06T17:09:00.000-07:00

ok i gave in.... i am moved to an actual blog site. i used myspace for a little bit. and i still might do some on that.... but really i dont know... i dont see the point in blogs really. so i am just kindof writing. it is a way to waste time. i know i shouldnt be wasting time. but i am done with school and just want a way to sit back and not do much. i have a lot to do to get ready for jordan yes. but i want to sit back and relax. but ok here is the start of something new. hope whoever reads it enjoys it.